


Split Image

by Aidaran, StarTravel



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Allusions to Beta Canon, Allusions to The Nexus, Allusions to the fake season 8 mentioned in the Deep Space 9 Doc, Alternative Timelines, Angst, Beta and season 8 fix, Dominion War (Star Trek), Future, Genetic Engineering, M/M, Past Relationships, Prophets, Section 31, Set In Mid Season 6, Spionage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-03-05 12:43:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18828895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aidaran/pseuds/Aidaran, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: Garak and Bashir look into the orb of time. They both see different futures, and neither likes what they see, but will they find a future they can both agree on?





	1. Chapter 1

Julian has spent months begging various Vedeks and political figures and Kira to let him study one of the Bajoran orbs. He’s positive that, if harnessed correctly, the time orb could become a powerful source in preventing and studying illnesses and in aiding mental health. With the last idea in mind, Julian had hoped to access the Orb of Wisdom or the Orb of Change first. He’s sure both of them could provide him visions that could change medicine as they know it.

However, after months of pestering, he’s instead granted access to the Orb of Time. Julian’s disappointment is brief though, the emotion fleeting as he imagines the past knowledge lost he could rediscover or the future remedies he could bring back with him.

He intended to go alone, armed with three different tricorders, knowing he needs to study and understand the mechanics, so to speak, of the orbs before he glances inside of one. And then Garak showed up on the elevator, smile bright and curious and insisting that actually, Dr. Bashir has gotten permission for them both.

Julian can’t decide if he thinks Garak manipulated his way into this to protect him or just because he wants to understand the Orbs the rest of Cardassia couldn’t for so long and rub it in Dukat’s face. It doesn’t matter; Julian’s happy for the company and excited to share his possible scientific discoveries with someone else.

So he can’t help immediately holding his tricorder up the moment they enter the temple, ignoring the Vedek’s sharp look and Garak’s fond snort.

“Think about the potential this has for the future, Garak!”

Garak rolls his eyes. He doesn't even know why he decided on going with him, aside from making vedeks uncomfortable and making sure Julian doesn’t somehow end up back in the 1960s again.

Julian smiles brightly and shakes his head a bit, gaze sparking with an excitement Garak can’t help but smile at a little.

“Just try and focus on the scientific aspects Garak, and less in how this looks like a beautiful table weight.”

Julian glances at the orb idly, waving the tricorder in front of it a few times and frowning when nothing comes on screen.

"But it does look like a table weight, my dear."

Julian hears the vedeks at the entrance scoff derisively and stiffens a bit. It wouldn’t do to get thrown out before he learned _anything._

“Don’t be rude, Garak, we’re guests here. Besides, it’s not a table weight. It’s a scientific marvel -“

Julian cuts himself off as he suddenly finds himself not looking at Garak, but a room full of section 31 Operatives, gleaming black leather outfits shining under the dim lights of the room. A room that is distinctly not a Bajoran temple, cold grey metal and severe black chairs around a large table the only things visible.

He discreetly turns around and sees his reflection on the table. He's wearing the black uniform too. And everyone else here seems to be at a respectful distance from him, as though they not only know but respect him.

Julian swallows tightly as he glances around the room and takes in their straight backs and grim expressions.

“Commander Bashir, I know you’re angry about the ... unfortunate death of your friend, but it was too risky to bring him in alive. I’m sure you understand.”

Julian stares blankly and tries to keep his breathing even. Commander. He’s _not_ been kidnapped this time. He’s having a vision - a vision from the time orb. This might be showing him the key to demolishing Section 31 once and for all. What would Sloan say here? Or Khan? Which monster is he pretending to be?

"Give me a full report."

Julian needs to gather information first. And wait, did they say his name? He's not impersonating somebody? He heard of people assuming different identities in their travels but he's not sure this is the case. This is _him_. This is getting stranger and stranger, and he can feel a sense of dread building low in his stomach.

“Captain Nog of the Defiant was killed via a bomb after discovering the plan to obliterate the wormhole, sir.”

He reads the report and tries to keep his expression steady. He needs to get out of here before he throws up, the carnage far more detailed than it is in a typical Starfleet report.

Julian rises to his feet, noticing that everyone else does as well. They look respectful, some even afraid.

“This would be genocide.” Julian keeps his voice even, trying not give anything away. Not until he knows what his future self is playing at here.

"That's what commander Dax said when she objected, sir."

He's too afraid to ask what happened to Dax, what _he_ did to Dax. Even, what Dax's first name is.

“Of course.” Julian tries to keep his expression as steady as possible even as he feels his head start to spin. He’s starting to wonder if the future Julian is playing a game at all. “And the Bajorans?”

"They don't know, of course. We've been careful."

The officer seems scared. Did he think Julian would hurt him if he failed to conceal the secret?

Julian nods and tightens his expression.

“Good, good. And Cardassia?”

And Elim is what he says in his mind, wondering if he’s another casualty of this dark future.

"Castellan Garak still refuses to acknowledge your calls."

“Of course. But I trust that Garak knows what the right choice will be for Cardassia.”

"Sir?" The room is confused. _Shit_. He made a mistake.

"Just an old thing he used to say, don't mind me."

“Of course.” The man closest to him smile and nods a little. “I know you wanted us - if possible - to protect Vedek Kira. But if she was to have to suffer the same fate as Captain Nog?”

"Try to avoid the inevitable at all costs. We don't want a rebellion in Bajor."

He needs to get out, to go anywhere but this nightmare. And where is he anyway? There's no windows, he can't use the space to orient himself. Julian takes a few steps back, trying to keep his breathing even. He’ll need his wits to get out of this alive.

“If you’ll excuse me, I think I’d like to take a walk.”

He turns around and walks toward the door - only to suddenly find himself back in the room with Garak and the vedeks.

 

Julian is seemingly in some kind of trance, eyes blurry and body still. Garak doesn’t like this at all, wariness creeping through his veins as he leans over. Garak grabs Julian’s shoulders in an attempt to shake him out of this.

Then he glances down and straight into the orb by accident and everything changes.

He feels panic for a moment. The face looming over him is that of a former prisoner. He remembers his interrogation. That nice, dissident doctor, Kelas Parmak. What's he doing here?

Kelas smiles at him softly, gaze pained as he brushes a hand over his, almost affectionately. This is only getting stranger by the second, his scales tensing the longer Kelas holds his hand with more familiarity than he should.

“I’m glad you finally came to see him. I think it would be good for him, to hear a familiar voice.”

"Yes, of course." Is he talking about Tain? No, he died. Mila? No, Kelas said he. "Lead the way."

Kelas leads him to a hospital room of some sort, though the spacious room and light blues and rich purpled make it feel almost like it could be a home. He doesn’t have much time to admire the decor before he feels the breath go out of him. There on the bed is Julian, older than he is now. His hair is greying and there are new lines along his face.

None of those are what draw Garak’s attention though. No, that would be an even thinner frame attached to far too many tubes and eyes that don’t look like they’ve been open in a very long time.

"What happened?"

Kelas squeezes his hand softly, gaze gentle but also exhausted, as though they’ve had this conversation many times before.

"You know."

"Indulge me."

Kelas raises ah eye ridge but sighs in acquiescence.

“He joined Section 31 with the intent of destroying it from the inside. He succeeded, in part, but it costed him his career and left him floating in space debris. The fact that he’s even this alive is a miracle. We can only hope for more of them, now.”

"Is he even still there?" Garak knows a little about neuroscience and the graphs in the monitor are not encouraging, too weak in some areas and erratic in others. This is not the mind of Julian Bashir.

“A bit. He’s not ... aware, but there’s enough brain activity I don’t feel comfortable choosing other humane methods yet.”

“Is it humane to leave a brilliant man in eternal slumber?” Garak can’t imagine a world where it is, his hands shaking slightly as he takes in Julian’s face again. There’s a beauty to it in this repose, relaxed and free of the concerns that plague his own Julian. But there’s also a lack, an emptiness that makes his stomach turn.

"We hope his brain is special enough to be able to recover one day."

"How long has he been... Has he been...?”

“Several months.”

Kelas grips his hand again, voice painfully soft as he takes a step closer to him. Too close. “Elim, are you feeling alright?”

"Of course I am." He smiles brightly but doesn't take his eyes from Julian’s lonely figure on the bed. "His bear is missing."

“Yes, yes. Kukalaka is on the shelf over there. I didn’t think - would he be embarrassed to wake up with it?”

"He needs his bear if he's sleeping. How thoughtless of all of you."

Garak walks as in a dream, more gliding than truly moving across the room to pick Kukalaka up. He feels dizzy. He slides the bear under Julian's arm and looks at his face, hand softly touching his chin.

"And this... Hair, humans grow on their faces. I need to remove it, he wouldn't like it if he woke up and saw that. "

“I’m sorry we didn’t. You see, the person who knew him best kept refusing to visit.”

Kelas’ voice is light but his gaze is gentle and sympathetic, almost pained.

“I know how this must hurt you, Elim.”

"Did he at least succeed?"

“I hope so. Section 31 was torn asunder, but we both know how organizations like that can rise from the ashes.” Garak shivers, because yes, he knows that all too well. He has so many more questions, more fears and -

 

Garak finds himself looking at a young, very alive Julian again. His eyes are wide and filled with terror, so it's obvious he saw something too.

Julian swallows a little and takes a few, clumsy steps back when he sees Garak as he knows him, back in the present where he’s not yet become a monster. He shouldn’t be here. Maybe he shouldn’t be anywhere.

“I - I think I’ll have to finish my research another day. If you’ll excuse me.”

The vedeks at the door scoff at Garak as they let Julian pass, one of them giving a knowing look as he leaves. As though they could possibly understand the horror he just saw, the devastation he must be feeling at witnessing his own state. Or worse, of knowing the feeling of being trapped within his own mind, his brilliance turned into a cage shaped his own martyrdom..

"Not so sure it is a table weight now, are you?

“Truly, I wish it were.” Garak’s voice is pained even as he starts to plan. He can’t, won’t let this the future the universe dooms his dear doctor to.

 In the hallway, Julian slides down the side of the wall, hands coming up to rest on the side of his head as he lets out an almost pained noise. Julian has seen his future, has seen himself become all the things he’s indicted Sloan and Khan and once even _Sisko_ for being now, seen himself become something worse.

But no - he’s not that yet, and Julian will do whatever it takes to prevent that future. No matter the cost. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Julian plot to prevent their futures from becoming true. Jadzia has daring an idea.

 

Julian stumbles on his way back to his quarters, not really seeing where he is, as walking by memory.

Part of what scares Julian is that he can map out the probabilities of becoming that man and so many paths easily lead there. He’s always put saving lives above all else, and what happens when the cost is some lives for more? Or some lives for peace for several planets? 

He can't let out the fact that he pushed a bit too hard for them to surrender to the Dominion when the Augments made the calculations. Deep down he knows his intelligence may lead to him making hard choices. Just a week before that he would have never imagined he'd ask to surrender.

And that’s all he has, his intelligence. His moral compass has always been guided either by what his parents did to Jules or by the kind of world he wants. Do the ends justify the means? He never would had thought he’d be able to shoot a man before but now he has so many times.

He's more than accustomed to be in a battlefield now. What could that do to him in the future? Yes; and he’s always had a certain insensitive edge to him. How easily does that become ruthlessness?

He wonders if there's any chance of changing that future at all. Maybe he could convince Odo to lock him up somewhere. He's terrified of Garak knowing, too. He saw his panicked face the moment he came back.

He knows Garak sees the darkness in him. He always did.

Julian supposes he should figure out if it’s possible to remove his augmentations first. After all, that solves the problem immediately. Deep down he knows that's probably impossible. The scientists of Adigeon Prime don’t do work that can be undone. Which leads him with only one other choice, making sure there’s no Section 31 for him to be tempted by. Destroy it now from the inside, no matter the cost to him and his career. 

There’s a third option, but he's selfish enough not to want to try it yet.

Julian knows he should try and be rational about this. Instead he gets drunk and talks to Miles all night, hoping the other man will have some words of wisdom for him. If there's one thing he can count on, is his inability to hold his alcohol and its effects on his judgment.

They are already in the third bottle and fifth drunken song when he decides to start talking.

“Miles, if you knew - knew something or someone was a threat to the Federation - the quadrant even - what would you do?”

"Talk to Odo, I suppose. Orr the... the caphtain." His speech is slurred. Julian is not the only one that can't hold his alcohol.

“What if you didn’t think they could help? Or - I mean. Odo would be sort of a problem.”

"Then... I dunno, Julian, I had too much whisky fer that!"

“Right. Right. Would you - would you consider making them not a threat anymore?”

“What the hell does that mean? Kill ‘em?”

"Would you? If you knew they were really dangerous. Like... Khan dangerous. Dukat dangerous."

Even in his state, he can't quite bring himself to tell Miles who he's talking about or his plans to ensure that version of himself can never exist. 

“Well, we haven’t killed Dukat yet, though God knows why. I might, if it came to it.”

Julian closes his eyes and nods a little, body tense. 

“You’re a good man, Miles O’Brien.”

"So, what have that damn cardassian done this time?"

“What? Garak? Nothing. We haven’t even been spending much time together lately.”

"But I thought you wanted to kill Dukat."

“Oh! Oh, well yes. That’s just more of a general feeling.” Julian tries to laugh and make it seem natural, though it sounds high and strained even to his own ears.

"Julian, what the hell are you up to now? What did you do?" the Chief looks at him suspiciously, scrunching his face up the same way he does when his equipment doesn’t quite work. He's drunk, but not that drunk. Something is off.

“I didn’t do anything, Miles. The war’s just getting to me.”

"Maybe you’ve had enough whisky for today." He snatches the bottle clumsily and puts it far from Julian.

Julian stiffens a bit and then shakes his head. He’s not sure there’s enough whisky in the world to help him anymore. 

“Maybe. I’ll see you tomorrow Miles.”

Julian walks away quickly before Miles can say anything else. He’s already said everything Julian needs to know and now he needs to plan. 

 

3 days later, Garak decides to go to Jadzia for advice, much as he loathes revealing this much to anyone. There are only two people on the station he could trust with this information, and certainly Odo lacks the emotional finesse to help him this time. 

Jadzia raises an eyebrow when Garak chimes her and sits down in front of her on her quarters, eye ridges pressed together and lips thin. He goes right to the point, not even saying hello. There’s no time for that. 

“I had a vision from the orb of Time, a most distressing one, and I think you might be able to help me stop it.”

"Why did you go to look into an orb?" Jadzia shakes her head a bit, swallowing tightly. If there’s one person she can’t imagine volunteering for that, that is Garak. 

“It wasn’t intentional, of course. I was trying to shake Julian out of whatever he saw in it. Given his horror, I imagine we saw the same thing.”

"You know visions are open to interpretation. Sisko is proof of that."

“Maybe. But that doesn’t mean Julian won’t end up in a coma dead to the world either.”

Jadzia winces a little, because that isn’t quite what she expected to hear. She’d suspected it had to do with Julian - otherwise he could have gone to Odo - but not something like this. Not something so bleak. 

"Garak, what did you see?"

She pales as he explains because all of it makes a sickening sort of sense. If anyone is going to try to do the heroic thing and pay for it, it is Julian Bashir. 

“He’d happily make himself a martyr. We both know that, Jadzia.”

"Did you talk with him about this?"

"No, he keeps avoiding me. I tried to go to his quarters several times already."

“That’s strange. He’s been avoiding me as well. Everyone, actually.”

“Maybe he wants to cut us all off to spare us the pain.”

Jadzia bites her lip, shaking her head as she presses a hand under her chin. That’s certainly possible, but something about it doesn’t quite ring true to her. After all, Julian hates being alone more than anyone. 

"Are you so sure about that? Sure enough to bet his life?"

“Of course not. But I don’t see what I can do if he wants to join Section 31 despite the risk to his life. He makes his own choices.”

She takes his hands, and he gulps at the sudden and unwanted contact but stands his ground.

"You can guide him. Educate him, try to change his mind. In the Federation, we may respect your choices, but if you are suicidal we won't let you walk out as if nothing was wrong towards a cliff."

“That’s the thing. He’s not suicidal. He’s making a decision he believes will protect the Federation and the people he loves, despite the cost. To go against that would be to show I have no respect for him at all.” 

Garak grunts a little, eye ridges pressing together in annoyance. For once he wishes that he had less respect for Julian Bashir, less affection. It would be easier to stop him then. 

"Martyrdom is a poetic name for suicide, Garak. There must be other way to take section 31 down."

“I’m not sure. Organizations like that don’t go down easily. It’s also hard to prevent it when we have no idea what leads him there. I hardly think the Julian of today would do that. Otherwise he would have joined Section 31 when he had the chance.”

"All the more reason not to let him do this alone. Maybe the prophets wanted to warn you." Jadzia’s voice almost sounds hopeful, a hint of a smile on her face. Garak can’t help snorting a bit, because that shouldn’t give anyone a sense of optimism. Moreso a sense of grief. 

"They didn't choose the best recipient for their advice, then."

“Maybe not, or maybe they did. He trusts you and he respects you. More to the point, if anyone can help him take down Section 31 and live, it’s you.”

Garak meets her gaze, his own steady even as he feels his stomach twist in strange new ways. "And what makes you so sure he wants to live?"

“Garak. If he doesn’t - we need to tell someone.”

"And he'll deny everything. He's good at taking risks and masking them as medicine, bravery or generosity. He always has. He went right into Cardassian territory before Kai Winn made the cooperation pact, don't forget that. He saved my life, yes, but he could have died in the process. And he never doubted."

Garak is certain Julian knew there was a very real chance Tain would have him killed the moment he crossed the border, he’s not an idiot. But even when they were closer, Julian always denied everything. Julian was always very good at denying things.

“No, he never has. He’s always been sure that he’s doing the right thing or the necessary thing. He’s willing to justify the means if he thinks the end is worth it.”

"The problem if that this time, the ending will kill him."

“Well, we need to make him listen. Or... he might need someone to give him a reason to think about his life as valuable.” 

Garak raises an eye ridge, curious in spite of himself. If Miles and herself don’t give Julian that, he hardly sees how anyone else could help. Julian doesn’t open up to people easily. Not really.

"And who exactly could make Julian think something like that?"

“A lover or a child, and I don’t think we can get him a son or daughter on such short notice.”

“So your plan is for one of us to seduce him?” Garak scoffs a little, voice just a touch tighter than before. It’s a daring plan for someone married to a Klingon. 

“No, my plan is for you to seduce him. I know it’ll be difficult, but at least we can work together.”

Garak can’t quite hide the surprise in his gaze, hands clenching and unclenching a bit. It’s not unexpected so much as unbelievable in its ridiculousness. Julian left him. 

“You want me to seduce Julian to keep him from dying? What kind of horrible novels have you been reading lately?”

"It's not as if you are going to suffer a lot if you do so. The way I see it, you both win."

“How so?” Garak is being careful. He doesn’t want to play his hand too soon.

"I know you never really intended to end your relationship. And Julian felt terrible after it. He really wanted to make things right but somehow he managed to be so very Julian he made it worst."

"That sounds like him." 

He can easily picture a drunk, teary Julian telling Jadzia everything, and shivers to think what she may know about him. Probably Julian gave her more information he'd like to.

Jadzia smiles a bit at the shiver and gives him a knowing look. She knows absolutely everything.

 “He didn’t know how to square the man he loved with the man who would keep Odo from shifting so long it became torture. He was younger then, more naive.”

“And by the time he did?” Garak asks coolly, because that was almost three years ago. He can’t imagine that Julian hadn’t tried to find love since. And such a brilliant, compassionate man should be able to find it with ease if he really wanted to.  

“By the time he did, he purposefully baited you with a holoprogram. But instead of it ending with you ripping him out of someone’s arms and kissing him silly, it ended with him shooting you. He still was too naive and unable to understand his feelings.”

Garak can’t help scoffing a little, turning his gaze up towards the ceiling. 

"And he never gave me the chance to talk about it. He was just content with having one or two talks a month about literature and inconsequential things."

"And you are so alone you took what you could get."

"Can you blame me?"

She shakes her head and goes to prepare some tea, trying to conceal her pity, even if she knows he’s aware of how pitiful his life has become.

“No, I can’t. But you miss him. And you two started spending more time together on the Defiant after the truth came out about his enhancements.” Jadzia smirks knowingly, leaning in as though they’re sharing a secret, a confidence. “But you already knew that, didn’t you?”

"About his enhancements? Why would I, dear?" he smiles at her coolly, though he can’t quite hide the amusement in his gaze. He rarely meets someone who can match wits with him. 

“Because you’re just as clever as you seem and you’d know he was a bit too smart.” She circles him and smiles a bit knowingly. “But you didn’t tell anyone. Not even him.”

"Why, humans are not made all out of different material, according to your Federation? I had never seen one before, you know. He may very well had been above average and that’s all."

He smiles at her, not quite able to bury the sense of affection building in his chest. He really missed socializing with anybody. Lately nobody talks to him anymore but Odo. And Odo is barely company most of the time.

She smiles back and twists around, throwing an arm out like a detective in one of Julian’s terrible novels. 

“I know you well enough to know you did your research. Especially when you decided you wanted Julian as more than just a bed warmer.”

"And what if I did? It's not as if anything changed. We never really discussed about his father anyway. I was not the one he chose to call the night he thought he'd be expelled from Starfleet."

There’s not even bitterness to his tone. He’s a man that lost too much to care about losing to Chief O’Brien.

"I guess it's not a surprise you saw the things you saw in your vision. You never really held it against him, did you? Even after he shot you?"

“Of course not. Why would I hold that against him? He showed me he had integrity and was willing to do what was necessary for the State. I’d never loved him more.”

“He didn’t call you that night because he thought you would reject him. Julian doesn’t think he can have more with you than the occasional lunch.”

She can’t help smirking a little bit, tilting her head to the right a bit. She can’t believe two men who claim to be so smart could miss such obvious things about each other. Jadzia would be amused if so much wasn’t on the line. Such a pair of fools, finding reasons to be miserable for years.

"Then he was being a idiot."

“Of course he was. Have you met Julian? He doesn’t think about how situations might look to others.”

Garak finds this kind of funny, a chortle of surprise slipping from his lips. He was expecting Jadzia to defend Julian, not dismiss him.

"So what, you think I should somehow device a plan to seduce him and that alone will prevent him from winding up mostly dead on Cardassia? Which of your lives had this streak of brilliance?"

“Curzon and Tobin both contributed, but it was mostly me.” She chooses to ignore the bitterness on his tone. After all, she's dealt with the same for years by being friends with Julian. She leans back with a slow smile, but her gaze is more serious. “He loves you, Garak. He might not always show it the way you want him to, or hell, the way he wants to, but he does. That’s part of why he broke up with you in the first place, as stupid as that sounds.”

"Yes, it certainly sounds stupid. And you know all the ways your plan may backfire and have him turning his back to Starfleet, don't you?"

"He will anyway if we don't try something."

Garak swallows a bit at that, because he knows it’s true. Garak also knows that he’s putting himself in danger here as well. He has to be sure it’s worth it. He shakes his head a little and gives her a cool look. 

“What makes you think I want to get back together with Julian Bashir?”

"The fact that you didn't turn your back and leave the moment I suggested this."

Garak raises an eye ridge as he leans in, smirking in a way that has flickers of cruelty along the edges. Most people flinch when they see that expression. Jadzia Dax simply rolls her eyes.

 “Maybe I just wanted to be amused. My life on this station is quite dull, you know.”

“You don’t. You just want more evidence of his feelings for you first.”

“Maybe I’m quite over self-absorbed naive young men who like to play at being heroes.”

Jadzia tilts his head to the left, scrunching his eyebrows together as she pressed her hands together. 

"Good for you Julian is not that kind of man anymore. And that's the problem, isn't it? The Julian that was with you 3 years ago would have never joined Section 31."

“No, no, he wouldn’t have. He would have made a big speech and exposed them to some admiral who already knew about them, smugly thinking he’d helped save the Federation.”

Garak sounds almost fond, the cruelty fading from his expression. He misses that young man sometimes, so trusting, so ridiculously smug in his belief in the world’s innate goodness. Such men don’t survive wars.

"And then died in the process."

Garak stills a bit at that, expression growing a bit more strained. 

“Maybe, if they thought he might be on to something genuine.”

"Obviously he didn't change at all in your vision, then."

“No, I suppose he didn’t.” Garak isn’t sure what she’s getting at here, beyond that Julian apparently regresses to the man he was before. It’s almost impressive, in a way. 

"Just... think about this, Garak. This is the moment what you saw will begin. I don’t think you’d have gotten a vision otherwise. And I don't think he'd listen to anybody but you."

“Why do you think he’d listen to me? He hasn’t in some time.”

Jadzia closes her eyes for a few seconds, breath growing a bit more strained. When she opens them again there’s no spark of humor, no teasing. Just the same fear he can feel bubbling in his own chest. 

"Because if he doesn't, I don't have any options left to save him."

 

Julian walls into Sisko’s office, expression grim but determined. Section 31 had contacted him two days ago, as if they knew about his current situation and after thinking about it, he’s finally made up his mind.

“Section 31 has new work for me. I’d like to take it, as you suggested some months ago, Captain. I think this might bring me closer to figuring out what their long term goals are.” He doesn’t waste time in pleasantries. There’s no point in trying to delay telling Sisko the inevitable.

"You think you'd be able to stand firm in your convictions even if you do? I certainly would like to have a pair of eyes inside it."

“Of course. There aren’t many things I’m sure of, but one of them is that I want no part in the world Section 31 is trying to create.”

Julian tries to keep his voice even, not betraying any of the fear or anger swirling in his chest. Fear he’ll become the man of his visions, and anger at the Julian Bashir who allowed that to happen in the first place. He has to stop Section 31 before he can lose himself to it, to protect the Federation he loves so dearly. It’s all he can do. 

"Then join them. Now, may I ask why this sudden interest in section 31? Last time you plain out refused."

“I realized that it was as much my duty to the Federation to understand their motives as it was to practice medicine. Besides, you know how I love a good spy story.”

Julian smiles a little, tilting his head to the right and trying to make his expression light, playful. Good old Julian Bashir, too naive and ridiculous to know the dangers he might be putting himself in.  

"If you say so." It's obvious to Sisko that's a ridiculous lie, but then again, even when it's obvious he's not telling the truth, it is impossible to get him to talk lately.

Sisko allows it, but after Julian walks out he wonders if he’s making a mistake he can’t live with this time. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are really enjoying writing this story! We'd love to read your comments about it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 31 is not as creepy as it seemed, Julian discovers during his first week at the job. Until he's asked to hold distributing a vaccine...

In his first week on the job, Julian finds being in Section 31 less dramatic than he initially thought. Everyone had been, if not friendly, perfectly polite and respectful. The pressure’s far less than he anticipated, given Sloan’s recruitment methods. Indeed, he thinks they only gave him one of their uniforms because he ruefully admitted that he found it more attractive than most of Starfleet’s. All they have him doing is using his spare time to work on a vaccine for them and that’s ... it. 

A vaccine for a planet he knows in fact needs it. So much for the evil organization he’s feared and loathed for so long.

Maybe using Sloan to measure an entire organization was wrong. After all, in the Federation he met plenty of crooked officers as well. Maybe they are just like any other Federation branch, only a bit more covert. So that means he can do good inside Section 31 as well, and his vision was... well, maybe he didn't understand it correctly. Maybe Nog was the one who had gone rogue or lost his way. Maybe killing all the prophets was code for something else. Or maybe the prophets were the ones trying to destroy Bajor and Cardassia, and he was merely protecting as many people as he could. Or -

Julian repeats that to himself time and again while he researches, hands shaking a little less each day. He’s almost ready to believe it.

After all, were the other officers in Section 31 really that different from Intelligence officers, other than that they wore black instead of red? They were simply keeping missions classified by necessity. Maybe so the rest of the universe won’t take advantage of their kindness. Garak would surely be proud of that, if... no, better not talk about Garak. He’s not ready for that yet, not after all that’s happened between them.

He goes to his handler, an Andorian who seems ageless, with a bright smile. He feels the same enthusiasm he used to when he first reached Bajor, before the war showed him the real world. 

“I’ve made some real headway with the vaccine! When should I deliver it? Are you going with me? Do we have to help anyone make peace first? Maybe climb through some tunnels?”

The andorian gives him a flat look. 

"Let us analyze the formulae first, and then we'll decide when it's the best time for delivery."

Julian wilts a bit, biting his lip as he nods sheepishly. Maybe he needs to remember what the world is after all. Besides, of course they’d need to check his formula. He’s a genius, but he’s far from infallible. His time on Ajion Prime more than proved that. 

“Of course, we wouldn’t deliver anything that could make the infection worse.”

"Oh, that's not what we are worried about, doctor Bashir. None at all. We are sure your vaccine is flawless."

There's something about his tone that makes Julian uneasy. He pulls in on himself a bit, spine stiffening as he tries to place where he’s heard that voice before. Maybe in his father or Sloan once, their eyes coldly amused as they shattered his world one ugly truth after another. 

“Well, I’m glad you have such faith in my skills, sir. Is there anything else?”

"Yes, we'd like you to take a look at this numbers and gives us your... professional opinion."

Julian follows him to a screen, brow furrowing as he takes the number in. There’s a graph showing increasing numbers and a map with all the systems close to Varilon IX.

“What  _ is  _ this?”

"Just give us your prediction for immediate, 1, 2 and 4 months based on these schematics, and then we'll discuss it."

“Immediate, less than 50. In one month, 1000 people would die. By 2 months 20,000 people, and close to 300,000 by 4.”

"Very good. Now add this variable. What would happen if the Dominion found out about the cure in those same periods, assuming those are the deaths by contagion estimates?"

Julian swallows tightly, expression becoming grim. His hands start to shake a bit, the rest of him growing more rigid as the possibilities become more and more clear. None of them are good. He points at some systems in the map displayed on the wall.

“They would attack these key supply routes on the Varilon system, once it was insured neither the Jem'hadar or the Vorta could become ill.”

"Give me the death rate numbers."

They know him well. Confronting the doctor is useless, since he doesn't bend in front of authority. But cold data, logic... that can break him. 

Julian raises an eyebrow, refusing to give him the satisfaction of his uneasiness. There will be a way to fix this without costing any lives. He knows it. He just has to find the right solution, the right series of numbers - they have to be somewhere locked inside this map. Julian won’t accept anything else. 

“Well that depends on how many ships the Federation and The Klingons send to defend the routes.”

"Of course. But you still can extrapolate at least 3 possible scenarios. Indulge me."

“The death toll for immediate delivery would be up to 5.000 civilians if they cut off the trade route through the caverns on the eastern quarter of Rhaejla City, the capital of Varilon IX. Even with our best forces and higher numbers, the Jem'hadar have the advantage due to the terrain. We’d likely lose over 100 men. By 1.8 months, probably half city will be wiped out. I don’t... I don’t really want to calculate how many millions is that.”

 Julian does in his mind anyway, feeling a bit sick as he takes a few steps backwards. It’s time like this he wishes he was capable of stumbling. 

"What do you think we should do, then? rush through tunnels to deliver it, as you first suggested?"

Julian hates how that andorian's tone borders on cruel, but he knows he's right. He has all the numbers in his head. He always does. 

“We could evacuate them now and treat them here.”

"You are a doctor. Do you really think we can move the more critically ill? We may have 50 nearing death, but at least 1000 are already infected and you know how painful those blisters are. Moving can give septicemia, after all."

“I ... we should try. Otherwise we’re gambling with their lives.” Julian’s voice takes on a righteous, angry note as he paces across the room. He forces his shaking hands into fist, trying to show a confidence he doesn’t feel. There must be a solution here.

"It's that your medical opinion? That we should move people that's close to death and dealing with a very contagious disease?"

Julian wishes Sisko or Jadzia were there. Maybe even Garak. Especially maybe Garak actually, and Julian can’t help letting out a sharp laugh at that. He wishes he could be less pathetic sometimes. 

They would find a way out of it, something to see beyond the numbers that keep flashing inside his head, telling him the best course of action is to delay delivering the vaccine 2 months.

“I ... no. No, that wouldn’t be my medical opinion. It risks spreading the contagion too much and also those patients dying. But if we don’t treat them, they have an increased chance of being dead before three weeks are up.”

"Yet from what you said, they will be dead anyway, only this time, violently killed by the Dominion. Doctor, what I hope to make you understand with all this is, you need to start thinking in the bigger picture. This is not your small sickbay in a backwards world anymore. Here we are gambling with thousands, even millions of lives with each decision."

Julian shivers and closes his eyes, trying to focus on something besides the numbers. But they’re always there, becoming more and more crystallized with each passing section. If he takes the vaccine now, the death rate will climb. That’s the only option. That’s the only thing he can see. 

“All right. I won’t take it yet. The best chance is at 2 months, 4 days. But I need a plan.”

"Of course. We'll transfer all the data to your computer. Go to the station and rest, agent."

 

Sisko looks at Julian with his jaw hanging open, gaze crackling with a kind of fire. He is so livid he can’t even utter what he’s thinking, not without making things worse. He can still save Julian, if the other man will let him. The doctor sits on his couch and presses his head against his hands, not daring look him in the eye. 

He’s starting to regret calling Jadzia and Sisko to his quarters in the first place. But Julian knows, he  _ knows _ what the numbers say. He’s gone over them several times already and there’s no way out.

“I’m not trying to align with Section 31 permanently, but if I give them the vaccine now, millions of people will die instead of thousands. Only by waiting they have a chance of living, captain!”

Jadzia is sitting there as well, silent, letting the captain sort this first. She knows it’s not her place to enter just yet.

“This is how it starts, Julian. One day you’re justifying letting people stay sick a little longer. The next day it’s letting a few thousand people die.”

Julian gets up and starts walking around like a caged animal. He feels like he has too much energy collecting at the base of his spine, waiting to break free. He wants to argue, he wants to fight, and he’s just barely keeping it all under control. 

"When we augments begged for us to surrender so we could save lives you plain out refused. And there were even more lives at stake!"

Sisko swallows tightly at that and shakes his head. He won’t be made to feel guilty for that. He knows he made the right choice, as difficult as it was for all of them to know what might still happen. Surrender isn’t an option when there’s still hope. 

"Not in the long term. If you want proof of that, talk to Kira. An occupation doesn’t end after the surrender."

"I... But this is not an occupation! It's the opposite. That people will be occupied if the vaccine is delivered too early!"

"And what happens to the children and elderly if it's not delivered at all? How long can they survive?" Sisko grunts in a low voice that somehow still feels concerned and fatherly in a way his own father never would have managed. "And what happens when they need more and more lives will be at risk if you say no?"

"I gave them a timeframe, Captain! I'll go down to the planet myself if I have to. Do you really think this wouldn't be happening if I had not joined? I can't influence them, not yet. That's why I need to gain their trust!"

"And during that period, you are starting to trust their judgement."

Julian starts pacing and looks at him with wounded eyes. Anger flashes for a moment, but so does doubt. He finally stops in front of Sisko, stomach roiling as the doubt and fury blend together and make him feel like he might throw up at any given second.  

"I am not! I'm just looking outside the box. If I can help save more lives while also protecting the Federation then -"

"Julian, are you even listening to yourself? You're already rationalizing breaking the hippocratic oath."

"I'm not! I have to choose between two evils here! Would be better if I just turned my head and tried to ignore what's happening then!" Julian knows he’s just shouting at this point, hands moving freely through the air a little too fast. He doesn’t care if Sisko is his superior, he needs him to understand.

"No, it would be better if you chose not to be a part of this at all."

" _ You _ told me to join." Julian’s voice raises an octave, a touch of smugness coloring each word. He can already see the frowns of the people during his court martial, the disappointed look on Miles’ face. None of it will matter if he lets thousands die that he could save. 

"And that was my mistake."

"A bit late for that, isn't it?" Julian almost hears them banish the freak that dared talk back to his captain, almost sees the cage that might be his future. It doesn’t frighten him as much as it should. 

"Maybe, but I'm still going to try."

"Captain, the whole quadrant has been thrown into chaos by this war of ours. And I am the one who patched people after it. If I can change the course and bring the end sooner, I think I made it clear I’m willing to do whatever necessary "

Sisko sighs in a tight voice, and when he talks his voice is calm and icy.

"You have, which is why I'm relieving you of duty until further notice."

"Ben!" Jadzia can’t take this any longer. They both are about to make a mistake. She stands up, taking a few steps until she fills the space between them, tempted to force them apart with her hands if necessary. She won’t let two of her closest friends destroy each other. 

"Then maybe I'll just go with section 31 full time." Julian’s tone is frigid as well, expression carefully blank. 

"Julian, is that really what you want?" Jadzia puts a hand on his shoulder to make him turn, but he still has his eyes glued to the captain. Jadzia bites her lips, swallowing a little as she considers her options here. 

"It's the only choice he’s leaving me."

"No, it’s not. You can leave Section 31."

"And then who'd ensure the vaccine is delivered at all?"

"Deliver it now and quit."

Finally Julian turns to Jadzia, and his tone stops being defiant, turning into an almost plea. The blankness from his gaze is replaced with something more fragile and lost that pulls at her heartstrings. Of course this all must be destroying Julian. But Jadzia can’t let him make this mistake either. Not when she knows where it leads. 

"And the next time? Who will be there to stop them?"

"You can work against Section 31 without being apart of it, Julian."

She takes his hands and notices they are shaking. So much for the act he’s trying to pull.

"You can't even find their bases if they don't want to, Jadzia."

"Very well. Do this. Gain their trust, then get Garak to join as well. He can be our eyes."

Sisko opens and closes his mouth a few times, staring at her with wide eyes. Jadzia bites back a smile. It’s been awhile since she’s made Benjamin look like a deer in the headlights.

"Are you mad, old man?"

“No, I’m being smart. Garak knows how to do this and the risks it will cost. He also knows Julian well enough to assess what kind of impact it will have on him and when he needs to quit.”

“I don’t need a babysitter, Jadzia.” Julian’s voice cuts through the air like a knife, sharp and brittle in all the ways he is. 

"Not a babysitter. A partner. Somebody that can train you. Didn't you want that all along since you met him? learn how to be a spy?"

"This isn't the same thing. I won't put Garak in danger or risk his chances to return to Cardassia."

"Don't you think this would actually be beneficial for his return? if he can make the war end faster, his exile will end."

Julian bites his lip a bit, turning the idea over in his mind. That question would relate directly to how much Section 31 and the Federation more generally can help Cardassia. And right now they can’t, not with Dukat pledging his loyalty to the Dominion. Julian settles for raising an eyebrow, the rest of his face painfully still. 

"Cardassia doesn't exactly like us, Jadzia."

"No, but who has more reasons to end the war than an exile like him?"

Julian walks far away from Jadzia and slumps on a chair, thoughts racing too fast for even him to keep up with. Finally, all fight is gone from him and he looks at her with fear, hands shaking far more visibly now. .

“I ... I don’t want him to see what I become.” Since that incident where he shot him, he’s feared what Garak may think of him. What he may see in his eyes. Disgust or hatred, or worse, apathy. That Julian isn’t sure he could survive. 

"Then you know what you did is wrong."

“Becoming the leader of Section 31 and apparently considering killing all of the prophets and getting Nog killed? Yes, I’d consider that wrong.”

Julian regrets it the moment he says it, his entire body going still. Jadzia stumbles back and looks at Sisko with a pinched expression before talking.

"Wait, what? That's not what Garak saw, Julian. He saw a hero in a coma."

"What? He saw - who? Sisko? Himself? When did he tell you?"

"You. He saw you, barely alive. I thought all this time we were trying to avoid getting  _ you _ killed.”

“No, we were working against me becoming Section 31 leader and a killer, Jadzia!”

“You saw yourself leading Section 31?"

"I was quite alive in my vision. And I had just caused Nog's death. And you... I don’t even want to know what happened to you. I was lucky I didn’t find out."

Jadzia is not sure if she’s glad or terrified he has no information about her.

"In his, you had defeated section 31 and had been found floating in space, almost dead. Seems we need the help of the Emissary here to sort this out, don't we?"

“It sounds like you do. I’ll talk to the prophets. You are going to stay here with Jadzia. Don’t talk to Sloan until I come out of my vision.”

Julian gives a short nod, sliding back down against the couch cushions and wishing he could sink into them. He can’t figure out if he made a mistake or if he’s making one now by second guessing himself. Either way he’s wrong has an unforgivable death toll. 

“We should call Garak here, Ben. We need to gather all the pieces of this puzzle. Maybe sending Julian to section 31 really was the worst mistake we could have done.”

Julian doesn't want to see Garak but doesn't see much of a choice. They have him cornered and there will be no escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian and Garak finally have a good talk.

Julian hugs himself while they wait for Garak, the leather cool against his skin. Garak eventually saunters into the room and stands at Jadzia’s side, merely raising an eye ridge when he sees him. Julian gulps and doesn’t meet his eyes, instead staring down at his own hands and all the invisible blood dripping off of them.

“I like the new uniforms. Very sleek.” His tone is a bit cold, gaze careful and analytical and distant. Julian closes his eyes and tries to remind himself it shouldn’t hurt.

"Glad you find them enough for your refined taste."

“So I take it you’re already trying to take them down?” Garak doesn’t sound surprised, but he does sound displeased. Jadzia already told him that their visions were not one and the same as they all believed.

"Or reform them. The prophets showed me it would still be strong and operational 20 years from now. It makes more sense trying to change it than taking it down."

"Yet they showed me it was destroyed at that same time period. Curious."

“Very much so.” Julian’s tone is conversational, as if they were talking about how terrible Quark’s liquor is. “Either I’m in a coma or I’m brand new Sloan, killer spree included. How bright the future is.”

Garak sighs and sits in one of the chairs. He seems to think for a few moments before he takes out a pad and starts making notes.

"Describe exactly what you saw, and let's see if we can find a middle point. I'd rather have you awake but destroying it. And as a former member of the Obsidian Order, I can't say I wouldn't be happy to see Section 31 go."

Julian swallows a little and closes his eyes. Even if he is grateful for not being alone in this, he’s still weary of having Garak here, knowing what he may become. He wishes again to put distance between them, to keep the truth of the monster he can easily become inside himself. Still, he can’t help answering him.

“I was the leader of Section 31 and my plan was to destroy the wormhole and the Prophets, presumably to help bring Bajor and Cardassia into the Federation, though I can’t be entirely sure of that. It didn’t come up in the short scene I witnessed. Captain Nog found out and apparently my men had him killed.”

"Curious. I saw you as somebody that by destroying section 31 ended up floating in cold space, braindead. You were being treated in Cardassia. Apparently I was with doctor Kelas Parmak as well, which was as surprising as distressing."

Julian doesn’t know who that is, and still can’t help feeling a pang of jealousy that pierces him to core. As if he had any right to feel that after all he did and might do. He finally shakes his head and smiles ruefully. Garak doesn’t deserve his jealousy if in one future he at least was happy, or not alone, at least.

“Well, doctors have always been your type. It would be no surprise you’d move on with a new one if I was a vegetable. I can’t imagine I was providing stimulating conversation.”

Julian looks quite fine with that future. _Too_ fine for Garak’s liking.

"I'd rather not have any of those futures, dear."

“No, me either, but if I had to pick one, I prefer the one where I’m a hero.”

"And if I had to choose, I'd choose the one where your brain is still functioning."

"You were not returning my calls in my vision, so I'm not sure you chose that." He’s not happy discussing this in front of the captain. He feels exposed, unprofessional, bitter. The meeting started talking about a vaccine, how did it end with them discussing their relationship again?

“Maybe my reasons had nothing to do with that. Maybe Cardassia was in danger and you were worried about me. Do you have proof that wasn’t the case?”

“Well, no, but -” Julian’s expression changes to something hard and cold, a spike of something positively acidic going through him. “We all know I'm just a pastime for you, Garak. Once you return to Cardassia I have no doubts you'll be fine with that doctor you just named."

"Do you really think so low of yourself?"

“No, but I know how I am. I’m annoying and too much for most people. Especially once you can be around other Cardassians.”

"Or maybe, I was not with you because you decided to push me away."

Julian stiffens a bit at that again, eyes widening a little. Why are they discussing this with an audience? Julian wants to dig a hole a bury himself in it.

“I wouldn’t have - I have to protect you.”

Jadzia feels confident she’s piecing together how both these futures came to be. They both are too wounded, and both by Julian’s hand.

"And yet you've avoided me for the last 15 days. Not to mention, the last 3 years."

This can go either way. Julian can wind up a hero or a villain just the same at this moment. The important thing is to tip the balance now.

The key, as it turns out, is Garak.

“I was ashamed. I thought you saw the monster I always knew was waiting inside of me.”

She knows they've been together in the past, at least one time, probably more. She has no idea what transpired, but at least they are still friends, even if they don’t see each other as much as they used to the first few years. They are both complicated men, so any relationship between them couldn’t just go smoothly and easily.

"I saw a man who tried to sacrifice his life yet again and finally succeeded. So for me it was obvious you were avoiding me so you could kill yourself more easily."

“Tried to sacrifice my life _again_? When have I ever tried to before? You’re not making any sense, Garak.” He laughs bitterly, bile sliding up his throat. Even now, he can’t admit to himself how many times he’s been disappointed by the fact he always came back alive from all the missions, all the risks he took because it didn’t matter if he did was the one taking them. But it seems an augmented freak is not easy to kill. “Besides, yours is better than the future where I sacrifice an entire species.”

“Maybe you had good reason. The prophets haven’t exactly been kind in the past.”

"I killed Nog, too."

”To be fair, you said your subordinates killed Nog against your wishes.” Garak says this so primly that Julian wants to scream, would scream if it weren’t for the Captain and Jadzia.

“It was still my order and it was clear I was willing to take the risk if it came down to it.”

"All the more reason to let me help you instead of shutting me out again as you did."

“Would you have stopped me?” Julian gives him a flat look.

"Yes." There’s a finality in that simple word. No doubts, no _buts._

"Just like that, no conditions?"

"The future I saw was distressing. And I don't think you'd handle this situation correctly if you are alone. So, I’d either stop you or assist you if you give me the chance."

“You don’t think I’m capable? That I’m too fragile to make the right decisions? Or too crazy like all the other augments?”

Julian is pacing across the room furiously, like a caged bird. A part of him always knew it would come to this, his ambition and Intelligence dooming him either to death or infamy.

"You are not experienced in espionage. You've been educated to be in the light, you don't have the mental training to be in the shadows. I can give you that."

“I won’t drag you back into the shadows now that you’ve finally gotten out of them. You should be in the light. Cardassia will need men like you.”

Julian says the last part pointedly, gaze as steady as he can manage as he meets Garak’s eyes. He has never, will never come before Cardassia and he won’t let Garak throw his future away for him.

"Yet I won't watch you go to them either. Seems like we are at a stalemate here."

“It appears that we are.”

Jadzia decides to intervene, gently tugging on Julian’s arm until he finally sits down again.

"Julian, Garak is willing to go back to the shadows. You are not dragging him, he’s here by his own will. And besides, you can't change what you saw in your vision if you don't start moving the pieces now."

"Jadzia, in my vision you were against my plan. Who knows what I'll do to you."

"All the more reason. Let us help."

“We don’t even know that Section 31 won’t kill him on sight. And I am moving the pieces. I’m only working with Section 31 to eventually take them down.”

"The Julian who is willing to withhold a vaccine is the one you saw in your vision. Not the one who Garak saw."

Julian opens and closes his mouth a few times and then just curls in on himself. He doesn’t think she’s wrong. All the fight is suddenly gone from him as he starts tracing paths in his mind again.

“I know. But the calculations ...”

"To hell with your calculations, Julian! Garak and I are willing to help you. And the Prophets wouldn't give you a vision like that so you can destroy them in the future."

Julian curls further in on himself and closes his eyes, rocking a bit back and forth.

“No, it was to prevent that. I can make Garak’s future happen. The numbers...”

Garak stands up and gets closer to Julian, not daring touch him or sit at his side.

"And I'd rather have the Prophets dead than my vision, dear. They can all die for all I care, but I don't want to see you like that again." He closes his eyes for a moment.

“It would help if the Prophets would tell us why they gave us visions in the first place.”

Jadzia interrupts them with a tight smile, voice probably just a touch too forced in its chipperness.

"Hence, the Emissary here. Ben, why don't we go to the Orb and see if you can get a vision of something?"

“I think that’s a good idea. But the good doctor should change first.”

"Oh, yes, yes, of course. I... I'll go find my old uniform."

"Care if I stay with you?" Garak smiles at him, but it's a sad expression. He's not really sure if he's scared of what may happen or trying to prevent him from escaping.

“I - yes, of course.” Julian lets Garak follow him to the bedroom, even though a part of him is sure it’s a bad idea.

 

Jadzia elbows Ben outside and glares a little, because he’s already calling it his old uniform. Considering how headstrong he is, neither imagined how easy it would be for him to adapt to Section 31. Maybe Julian was right all along when he feared the darkness inside himself - but no. Jadzia knows he’s a good man.  

"I know, old man. I regret the day I suggested he may join. I never imagined it would be so easy to manipulate him."

“He’s more fragile than he seems. He’s too broken.”

"Do you think we can fix this?"

“I hope so, Benjamin. He’s not lost yet. But he doesn’t do well on his own.”

 

Julian carefully strips off the catsuit, trying not to look at Garak, who’s giving him his back. They are not that close anymore. There was a time when... no, Julian doesn’t really want to go there. Not now.

Julian lets out a bitter little laugh.

“And to think I thought shooting you was the worst thing I’d ever do.”

Garak doesn’t answer at first. Finally, he lets out a small sigh.

"You know, dear, in my line of work I've seen all kinds of injuries, trauma, and death. I thought I was not sensitive to them anymore, and then, I, of all people, got a vision."

“I’m rather flattered that seeing me enough was to cause a reaction.” Julian turns around, mostly dressed if a bit less fastidious than usual.

Suddenly Garak snaps at him, eyes blazing in a way that makes Julian take a step back in surprise.

"Julian, you have no idea what that vision did to me, do you? You are the same self-absorbed man that you've always been. Do you really think your death wouldn’t affect anyone else?"

Julian huffs and gets ready to argue, hands clenching slightly as he takes a few steps toward him. Everybody seems to want to argue with him lately.

“Well, I’m sorry if I was more focused on not wanting to commit genocide, Garak. And you haven’t been acting like you liked me in some time.”

"I was not the one who decided to terminate our relationship. You know that." Garak’s voice is cold this time, though his gaze has an almost wounded quality to it. As though he didn’t know _why_ Julian ended things in the first place.

“No, but it didn’t exactly take you long to move onto Ziyal.”

"I've never dated Ziyal. She followed me and I accepted her affection so I wouldn't be alone. But she's not like me. She could never understand."

“You pressed hands together. I know that’s a sign of closeness on Cardassia.” Julian scoffs and shakes his head a bit, reminding himself not to be jealous. He shivers a little, because he can’t understand Elim either. Not anymore. “I’m not like you either. You’re a good man.”

Garak snorts a little . Either Julian is an idiot or his mental health is worse than he thought it was. Of all the people in the station, surely Garak should be last on his “good men” list.

"Julian, she was the only one willing to be close to me on this station. What did you expect me to do? So I used her not to be cold and alone, does that qualify as good in your book?"

He omits the fact that he had a lot of pleasure watching Dukat grit his teeth. No, he’s definitely not a good man.

“No, you didn’t use her. You just said you didn’t date her. What did you do, act like she was the daughter you never had?” Julian asks dryly as he crosses his arms.

"I may not consider it dating, but I did a lot of things that wouldn't make me qualify as a good father, Julian."

Julian flushes and then looks annoyed and turns around. He’d suspected they had been... no, he doesn’t even want to think about it, and not that he was in any position to say anything, but having it laid in front of him... he regrets having asked in the first place.

“I see. Well, she is a consenting adult, that’s none of my concern.”

" _Was_ , Julian."

Julian stills and gives Garak an apologetic look, expression crumbling. He truly is an ass.

“I am sorry, Elim. I know for all your flippancy, that you cared for her.”

"And I would have done anything to stop her from dying."

“I know you would have.”

They avoid each other’s gaze for some seconds, no words passing between them.

"Julian, I don't need you to approve of my methods or to be with me to try to stop what I saw."

“You don’t need to stop me at all. It’s my life, Elim. I can make own choices.”

"So, if I killed myself right now, here, in your room, you wouldn't do anything. Nothing at all. You'd just let me make my choice."

“That’s not the same thing at all!” Julian snaps as he crosses his arms against his chest and leans in, glaring a little. Why couldn’t Garak understand? He doesn’t want to die, he just knows - or strongly suspects - he has to make things right.

"Why not? Give me a reason and I'll put this phaser down."

Garak reaches into his pocket and pulls one out a phaser in his right hand and smiles, looking Julian right in the eye. It's not pointing at Julian or himself, though it’s closer to him.

Julian has no idea what Garak means to do here, if he’s suggesting that he might go off by himself to take down Section 31 and die in the same way Julian’s fated to or -

Julian moves as quickly as he can, hands wrapping around his wrist and trying to force it out of Garak’s hand. Julian won’t let Garak risk his life for him. Garak’s hand barely moves. He’d forgotten how strong the cardassian is. Then Garak drops his hand down to the side, smiling pleasantly as though that hadn’t just occurred and Julian’s hands weren’t still wrapped around his wrist.

“Garak, I will knock you out if I have to.”

"I wonder what the value of life is for you, if you can certainly think some don't deserve this same treatment." Garak tuts as he shakes his head, voice chiding and obnoxious.

“I wouldn’t let anyone die if I could help it. I’m giving Section 31 exactly one week to prevent an invasion, and if they don’t manage it, I’ll go down there and give out the vaccine myself.”

"And then you'll die as in my vision, or kill Nog."

“I ... what else am I supposed to do, Elim? Yes, my life matters less. I was created, not born, and at least now there may be a purpose for it. Just pout the damn phaser down!”

"Your purpose shouldn't be to become a villain and then die."

“I could become a hero and die.”

“Do you think you won’t have to do things you don’t agree with if you just pretend to be in Section 31?”

 Julian deflates, grip tightening around Garak’s wrist, though this time he’s holding on for his own life rather than Garak’s.

"I... what do you suggest, then? I don't think they'll allow me to leave now."

"I told you. I can be at your side. Help you, train you. Convince others when you can't."

“I mean this as kindly as possible, but I don’t see how that doesn’t end up with what I saw.”

Julian tries to pull away when Garak wraps his free hand around Julian’s other wrist, but Garak is certainly at least as strong as he is.

"You said I was not answering to you anymore. I can hardly imagine a scenario where I'd do that, so I imagine you pushed me away, my dear. Again."

“I ... so you think we were back together in the first place?” Julian tries to tug his arm away one last time and then closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Don’t let me... don’t let me kill anyone.”

"I can't promise that, but I can be at your side trying to prevent that and stopping you when you act more like a computer than a man. Will you let me?"

“I .. all right.” Julian finally allows as he slumps forward a little, some of the fight going out of him. “Should I go now and give them the vaccine?”

He very much wants the answer to be yes. Garak finally puts the phaser down, fastidiously hiding it in the same place it was before, and making sure there’s not a bulge in his clothes before answering.

"Yes. And I'll be at your side all the time. You won't be alone with any agent from now on."

"Garak?" he staggers over to the couch, defeated. His head hangs forward, and he presses his face into hands.

“Yes, dear?” Garak asks as he sits down next to him, close but not quite touching yet.

"Why didn't you go away after I shot you? not immediately, I mean. You had every right to be angry at me at that time, and we had not even parted on the best terms before that."

“When you shot me in the holoprogram, dear? I’d never been able prouder of or more attracted to you. I thought we’d get together again and things would go further after that, but then you pulled away and never quite came back to me.”

"I tried the whole program to make you jealous out of spite, and then I shot you. What further are you talking about?"

Garak raises an eye ridge, not quite able to stop the surprise from entering his gaze.

“You got that program to make me jealous?”

"We had just broken up, of course I wanted to make you jealous. I knew you would not resist breaking in."

“So the whole thing was an attempt to win me back?”

“Well. Yes, in a sense.”

Garak chuckles lightly. For 3 years he tried to make sense of that situation, never quite understanding what had been going on on Julian’s head. He had suspected it was meant to make him either angry or jealous, but then, when Julian stopped meeting him, he started to doubt that had been the case.

"You didn't need to make a plot for that, dear. And certainly you didn't need to stop talking to me altogether after it blew up in your face."

“Of course I did! I shot you. I shot the man I was in love with. What kind of a person does that?”

"One that needs guidance if he wants to really be a spy."

He tentatively gets a bit closer, knees brushing slightly. Julian glances up at him and bites his lips a little, moving toward him so their hands touch as well.

“Elim. Really, me?”

"Really what, you?"

“You want me.” Julian asks as he raises an eyebrow and brings his hand up so he’s not quite touching his cheek.

"I don't think I ever concealed that in the last 6 years, have I?"

“No, but I’ve never quite understood why. I thought it was because you were stuck here and there weren’t any Cardassians around.”

"You like to sell yourself short."

“Now that’s something I’m rarely accused of. But we can talk about this later though. I need to go take a runabout to Varilon IX.”

“After you meet with the Captain?”

“Yes... maybe... maybe we could have dinner after?” He doesn’t meet Garak’s eyes. Even now, he doesn’t dare hope for too much. Not after all he’s done, and all he was about to do, and all he may still do.

"We'll go see Sisko, and then I'll assist you delivering the vaccine. As for the dinner, it's up to you to decide about that, as it always has been."

“All right. I’d like to have dinner as long as you want to. I don’t want you to - you don’t have to get back together with me to keep me alive and on the straight and narrow.”

"That's not why I'd go back, although clearly it is a nice incentive."

“Oh. So you really want to get back together? Even though I broke up with you for what you did to Odo before? I still think I was right to be angry at the time of course - but now … well, now I’m a bit of a hypocrite.”

"Or maybe you grew up enough to understand what kind of galaxy we really live in." Garak gets a bit closer, scales brushing against the soft skin of Julian’s palm. "Perhaps the mistake was mine, thinking you were ready to really understand what your fantasies really entailed."

Julian swallows a bit and leans in so their foreheads are pressed together. He missed that simple gesture. He missed it so much.

“I think I understand now, ever since the war. If we work together, if we end the war then... maybe we can quit the spy business after that and make Cardassia closer to the galaxy we want.” Julian used to fantasize about going to Cardassia with Garak, getting to know his homeland, understand, help him change it... and then everything happened and that fantasy died. And now, he can’t help voicing it for the first time, scared of being pushed away.

"That'd be the best outcome of all this." Garak rises to his feet and offers him his hand. "So, we probably have a quite angry captain whose been waiting for us for about half an hour. Let me see straighten up your uniform. Since we broke up you’ve always been a disaster."

Julian takes his hand and waits patiently while Garak circles him, tutting and pulling in all kinds of places.

“Of course. Crooked sleeves and all that?”

"I shiver when I think about that."

Julian had forgotten how nice that little ritual of theirs was. Julian smiles softly as Garak straightens up his uniform, and he can’t help leaning in to press a quick kiss to his lips when he finishes.

After all, that was part of their ritual too.

Garak looks surprised for a minute. Julian was the one who went away 3 years ago, after all. Julian pulls back and winces little. Maybe he crossed the line too soon? Maybe he misunderstood his intentions?

“Was that okay?”

"More than ok, just surprising."

Then again, Julian Bashir never was an easy man to understand.

"So, shall we go meet the captain?" Julian smiles at Garak crookedly, gaze just a little less lost than before.

“Yes, let’s go meet the captain and find out what the futures may hold.”

Julian grabs Garak's hand and walks to the door, squeezing it lightly so his scales brush against his skin. He stills before going out, pulling at the cardassian’s hand lightly.

"Sure you don't have second thoughts? You’d be joining yet another secret agency."

"Well, this one may not be as refined as the one from your novels, but they seem to offer nice uniforms for their members."

Julian grins and lets out a small laugh in spite of himself. He’d forgotten how nice it was to talk with Garak, once the man relaxed and let his dry humor out.

“Yes, Section 31 does like their agents to look sleek and sexy. And I have to imagine you’d look rather lovely in all that black leather.”

"I'm not as sleek as you, I may look like a wrapped iguana."

“I happen to find iguanas very attractive.” Julian tells him with shining eyes, elated and terrified all at once. They can be together, he doesn’t have to be alone, Garak wants to be with him.

"Lucky me."

Julian doesn’t correct Garak about who the lucky one really is, settling for squeezing his hand again as they walk down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak infiltrates in Section 31, and Julian discovers that maybe he was raised to end up working in it. Certainly Sloan was there when he was younger...

Garak and Julian start walking through the promenade, and as they always did in public, they stand close, but they make sure not to be touching each other. They have enough in their lives to also cause a commotion with the Bajoran inhabitants. Julian almost regrets arriving to the temple and going back to the reality of the mess he’s now in. He grimaces but tries to keep his expression even.

“Okay, let’s talk to some Prophets.”

The vedeks at the door scoff at them but let them pass, murmuring something about disrespecting spoonheads and idiotic starfleet officers. Sisko looks serious when they arrive.

"We already looked into the Orb, and all I saw was darkness. Guess I should have been with the Prophets and in it, they didn't exist anymore. So the future I saw probably was Julian’s, a bit further in time, perhaps. I was not dead, but I felt... incomplete. Disconnected."

"And I was another Dax." Jadzia shakes her head.

“I - It was my fault?” Julian’s voice is shaking and he looks faint. Does this mean they fail and he still kills the Prophets, or hurts Jadzia?

“No, no. Actually we were divorced. Well, you and the next Dax. Whoever that will be.”

"This raises so many new questions. What did you see besides that?"

“You started out wanting to take Section 31 down but the death count took its toll on you. You got obsessed with numbers and future possibilities. The new Dax tried to help but ...”

"Tell me I didn't kill you too after discovering my plans, please." His voice shakes and he feels his face burn.

“No, no. You didn’t kill me. Someone else did, I think I was that Dax for quite a long time. They just left you for Jake.”

“For Jake?”

Julian hears Sisko’s sharp intake of air but doesn’t turn to meet his eyes. He feels like he did something wrong and can’t quite put his finger on what exactly.

"Well, they were quite a bit younger than me. I couldn’t quite make out who that next host will be, but I felt that much at least. A bit disturbing, knowing the timeframe in which you’ll become a memory for the next host. It’s easier knowing the former ones."

She shrugs. It certainly was a disturbing vision, but there’s nothing to be done, except working to prevent it while she still is Jadzia. Julian looks at the floor, thinking about what to say to break the uncomfortable silence. He can feel the captain’s eyes on the back of his neck.

“I... I can imagine. It’s just weird to think that someone I was with ends up with Jake. And ... we were happy at least, me and... the next you? Were we still talking to each other, at least?”

"I was angry with you, and working to stop your plan without ending up like Nog, to be honest. I was talking secretly with vedek Kira."

“Oh. Well yes, I suppose we wouldn’t have been happy at the end, after we divorced. But maybe before?” Julian stutters out awkwardly. There’s something almost comical about this - if someone had asked him six years ago, he would have been thrilled by the possibility. Now it just makes his stomach burn with a mixture of horror and guilt. “I can’t believe we get married.”

"It was just a vision 20 years in the future. I have no idea if we were happy before that moment, Julian."

Jadzia understands his shock, but still, this really is not the moment to worry about their marital happiness. Not when all the things going around. And certainly not when she knows the kind of mistake it would be to be with him.

"At least we probably won't have to worry about that anymore." He mutters. Sisko raises his eyebrows, but the other two don't comment and make out as if they didn't hear anything. Garak does take a step closer to Julian though, squeezing his hand softly. No, they won’t have to worry about him and the next Dax at all.

Garak clears his throat, gaze narrowing on Sisko.

“Anything else on your visions?”

“I have another son.” Sisko looks so thrilled for a second.

"With Kasidy? that's great news, Captain!" Julian allows himself to feel truly happy for him for a second. If one of them at least got something good in the future, maybe not everything is lost.

“Yes, that part of the future I’m looking forward to.”

"And that darkness?"

"I assume it was me trying to contact the Prophets and they were not alive. I was aware of the presence of my family, which is why I know I had a new son, but nothing else. And I felt... incomplete. Disconnected."

“That makes sense, I think. So I succeed in that timeline as well.”

“Or someone else did. Let’s not all assume we all saw the same futures without proof.” Garak decides to be the voice of reason here, squeezing Julian’s hand a bit more firmly than before.

"Maybe that's what I was doing on Garak's vision? stopping the one who succeeded there?" Julian really hopes that at least in one of the visions, he was doing some good. That would mean that he was only responsible for a genocide in half of them. It’s not much, but it’s better than thinking he did that in all but one.

“That’s very possible, especially if you were going at it alone.” Jadzia arches her eyebrows and looks at Garak.

"You don't think we avoided that future yet, don't you? Still think either I'll direct section 31 or be killed by it."

“Not yet. Though it seems some changes are already starting.”

Julian smiles a little as he glances down at their entwined hands, expression softening for a moment. He squeezes Garak’s hand and reminds himself he’s not alone. Not anymore.

“Elim is going to join section 31 with me.”

"Do you think section 31 will approve of him?" Jadzia knows asking that has no real use. He’ll find a way to infiltrate no matter what.

"I doubt it, but he's adamant in doing so anyway."

“And somehow I don’t see Garak getting refused in the long run.”

He makes a small bow at her, smiling in his polite and infuriating way. He knows he’s needed, and he’s sure Section 31 must at least suspect he and Sisko got a hand on getting the Romulans into the war.

"I think if they are smart, they will see the value of having me around."

"Just having Garak there will change all the futures we saw, I think. And I'll deliver the vaccine now. I don't think they'll like it a lot."

As if Julian ever cared what people with authority thought, anyway. He’s already calculating how high their possibility of changing the timeline is, with this.

“No, probably not, Doctor. But somehow I don’t think that’ll be a problem for you.” Sisko nods at him, gaze firm and mouth set in a grim line.

Julian smirks a little as he starts toward the exit, Garak close behind. Jadzia crosses her arms and puts her most serious expression, brow furrowed.

“So, Ben, what you say? should we turn a blind eye while the doctor mysteriously steals a runabout?”

“Oh, I don’t think I’ll notice something is missing, with all this war going on.”

 

Of course, as they predicted, Section 31 gets annoyed at both of Julian's transgressions, and calls him in immediately for explanations.

Julian smiles brightly and says that Garak is his new partner.

The andorian, Sho’shiar, just stares at him, trying to decide whether to kill them where they stand, have guards do that for him so the blood doesn’t spill in his perfectly arranged clothes, or listen in case he can actually take information out of them. He decides for the third option, with a phaser hanging from his belt for the first one.

Garak smiles at him and makes a very polite bow once the guards finish checking them for weapons and bugs. He waits for them to leave before he starts talking.

“It’s so good to finally see you in person. I’ve heard so much about the vaunted Section 31 handlers.”

"I heard about you as well. Surprised a simple man like yourself would like to work alongside a doctor." The andorian _would_ happily shoot them both, but the reports prove that Julian actually solved the situation and he's quite curious about how he did it. Clearly not by himself, being that when he starts calculating his empathy seems to recede. And he’s heard quite a lot about that particular cardassian.

“Yes, yes. Well, every genius needs a little help now and then. Julian sometimes needs... support, to see the bigger picture. You understand, as a cultured man, I’m sure.”

"Support from a tailor? I find that hard to believe, not to mention a break from the confidentiality any Starfleet member should know about."

"Let's say I didn't know what I was calculating for until we reached the surface. And a tailor must be good at measuring things."

“I suppose so. But what do you mean by calculating? Doctor, are you forgetting -“

“I’m not forgetting anything, sir. Garak helped me realize that there were a few different ways to deliver the vaccine and prevent an occupation. He’s good at reading people, all that time spent mending their pants and sizing them up, you know.”

Garak cringes a bit. Julian is still quite awful at subtlety, and his own words in his mouth certainly sound a bit forced.

"You enrolled a civilian without consulting your superior officers. Tell me why we shouldn't send you to a court martial right now."

Julian gives a bright grin, leaning in as he raises an eyebrow, with a confidence he certainly doesn’t feel.

“Because this civilian just helped us shorten this war by 87 days, 22 hours, and 7 minutes.”

"How, by using a needle and string?"

Sho’shiar is really ready to just shoot them at this point. The doctor seemed like a good asset, but if there’s any more breaches, he’ll have to consider him a menace.

“No, by understanding motives, finding the right way to approach them.” Garak corrects him with a cool smile as he takes a step in front of Julian.

"I'm surprised someone from your home planet would be interested in shortening the war. After all, your side is winning."

Garak smiles, sharp and knowing. A little bit of truth can be useful from time to time.

“Let’s just say my interests lie with Cardassia more than the Dominion.”

"And how is helping the Federation going to help Cardassia? Nothing guarantees it for you that we won't force certain conditions on your homeland after its surrender."

“Is that so?” Garak says so blandly as he walks past the Andorian. Suddenly Sho’shiar not sure who’s making the interrogation anymore. “Still, you’re - well maybe not _you_ , especially, but the Federation surely - better than the Dominion. I know who you are.”

"A bit more information than a normal tailor would  usually have, don't you think, mister... how did you say you were called?"

The andorian starts to think maybe that former agent will be useful after all. And in any case, he can have him killed before the war ends. He should have them both killed, and probably will. Clean and easy.

“Just Garak.”

“And what about the good doctor here? He’s willing to follow your lead?”

"Oh, I think he's the one leading here. I'm merely tagging along and helping with the calculations. Life as a fashion worker can be a bit dull sometimes." He makes an exaggerated sigh, still circling the andorian.

“Of course. I’m glad that doctor is in such capable hands. We’ll have to keep an eye on both of you, you understand. A sort of probation.”

"Of course, I wouldn't expect anything less from you. Mind if I make one small request? I don't quite like holding cells, I'd prefer to stay in the same room with the doctor."

“Of course. I wouldn’t think to keep you from your more ... leisurely activities together.”

Julian blushes furiously and is about to argue, but Garak gives him a small kick and just smiles and bows politely, opening his eyes in the most fake indignant expression.

"I hope you are not thinking we'd be anything but respectful and proper when we are on duty."

“Of course not, Mister Garak. I’m sure that you’ll act with complete proprietary.”

Sho’shiar smiles icily and leads them toward their room. Julian tries to keep his expression and mouth still.

When the door closes behind Sho’shiar, Garak makes a gesture for him to stay quiet and searches the whole room, disabling 2 cameras and 4 bugs.

"Don't think I got them all yet, give me a minute."

Julian gives a half nod and sits down on the edge of the bed, stiff and anxious as he watches Garak work. He gets out a small device and keeps scanning the room until he's satisfied.  Eventually the cardassian finally comes to a stop, standing next to him, with a pinched expression.

"The only reason they didn't kill us there was because they can see how valuable an Obsidian member can be for them. They are counting on making me leak information." He says it so calmly Julian can't help shivering.

Julian hugs himself a little and leans forward to press his head against Garak’s chest where he stands in front of him.

“Well, then we have to make sure you stay valuable, Elim.”

"That, I plan on doing. They must be equally angry and surprised at how you solved the vaccine situation. Angry because they didn't manage to break you."

“They came awfully close.” He sighs and shakes his head, trying to make the situation a bit lighter. “And surprised because I came back with a handsome boyfriend?”

"You think they didn't know everything about our past together even before we set foot here? they are just surprised they went for one and got two valuable agents."

Julian’s eyes widen and he pulls back to look up at Garak.

“But we always kept it very quiet. Only Jadzia knew.”

"Dear, ever since the beginning, I cleared at least 3 bugs every time I stepped into your room. Sometimes I’d break in the middle of your shifts to disable them discreetly before you arrived."

Oh. That was the small pocket fidgeting he always saw Garak perform. Julian sits back down and shakes his head a little, closing his eyes as he leans back against the bed.

“Why would they even bother to bug a simple doctor?”

Garak sits at his side, stroking his hair lightly.

"I'm guessing your father was worse at concealing what he did to you than everybody thought. Starfleet may not have checked, but certainly if I was able to bypass the hacking, Sloan did as well. Your file had been accessed before me several times."

Julian thinks about that and grows pale. His whole life was monitored for at least 6 years, then? What about before?

“Wait, so you think they’ve known about me being enhanced for years?” Julian bites his lip and shakes his head, even though it does all add up. “So they’ve been following me for years. Or trying to, at least.”

“And succeeding when we broke up. Probably since your early teens, considering how old the first access to those files was. I wonder if your career has not been manipulated since. Making you enter Starfleet but not pursue anything that would give you enough power to go mad. Going to a post were you wouldn't be in the center of important events, even if that backfired with the discovery of the wormhole."

Julian closes his eyes and wonders how aghast Garak will be when he tells him what he’s about to. He hadn’t thought about the incident for years, but now... He wonders about the Starfleet part in all of this now. His voice is barely a whisper.

“Sloan introduced himself to me when I was 16 at the Academy.”

"Tell me more about that." Garak's carefully schooled expression doesn't hide the fact that he's feeling uneasy, and Julian finds it a bit interesting, to have the upper hand on information for once.

“It was at summer training. He came over and asked me if the girls were impressed with me already being in the academy while I was doing push-ups. It was ... odd. A bit creepy.” Julian wrinkles his nose a little, shaking his head. “He said that he sure was. Then he left.”

Garak gets pale, and chooses his next words very carefully.

"Did you... did he follow you or appear again after that? Can you tell me with certainty there were no bugs in your academy room, no cameras?"

“He didn’t appear to me again, so as far as I know, he didn’t follow me. We both know that doesn’t mean anything. I ... I can’t say that he didn’t bug the room. I wouldn’t have known, I never even imagined that would happen to me before today.”

"Dear, we both know what that means. Especially since he had your files already by that point."

“You think he’s been stalking me?” Stalking, watching his private life, shaping him without his knowledge...

"Stalking, wanting to recruit you, perhaps something else too. You've been Section 31 target since childhood, probably. I wouldn't be surprised to know you'd ended up being a captain had they not messed with your upbringing."

Julian smiles and attempts to sound flirty, but his hands can’t stop shaking.

“A Captain already? Of my own medical ship? That’s quite a compliment, Elim. Even younger than Kirk was!” His smile dies rapidly, and he looks at his hands. ”So you think they pushed me towards Deep Space 9 then?”

"And towards somewhere your natural propensity to want power wouldn't manifest."

Garak doesn't want to voice he doesn't believe Julian would have chosen medicine had he been given free will. Not yet, at least. But Julian must know, deep down. He always has. Julian looks a bit wounded, inching further back along the bed.

“So you do think I’m like a Khan.”

"Not me, but they, undoubtedly."

Julian bites back the urge to point out that Garak isn’t saying something, that everything feels off. He tries to bury that little voice he’s always had on the back of his head, telling him he could have chosen a different path.

“So what, they wanted to keep me on some backroad station until they decided I was ready to recruit? I wanted to be assigned to deep space 9, Garak.”

"I thought you wanted to go to that nice ship your classmate was assigned."

“No, no, she wanted to be assigned there. Of course I couldn’t help being impressed - it’s basically like being assigned to the Enterprise. But no, I wanted to be here, where the adventure and excitement was.”

There was no adventure and excitement in the Deep Space 9 posting, and Julian knew that. The posting only got interesting after the wormhole was discovered, so why did he choose the most remote place in the quadrant?

"Then why did you sound so bitter when you told that story? I don't think it was because you messed with a nerve in an exam."

“Garak, you’re being a little paranoid. _I_ requested Deep Space 9. I could have gone to any number of ships just like that one.”

"Whatever you say, dear." He won't push it. Julian will pierce all the information by himself and realize he's been manipulated since he was 6 eventually. "Do you think replicators will be operational, or do we have to go to the mess hall to get food?"

“I imagine they’ll be operational. They might be spies, but they were still raised in the soft arms of the Federation.” Julian says this softly, teasing with a hint of a smile.

He starts to wonder about certain odd events as he was growing up while Garak prepares food, and hopes, really hopes it is just the old lizard's paranoia that's rubbing on him. He knows it probably isn't.

He remembers when he was in elementary school and told everyone he wanted to be a scientist and for a second feels relieved, because medicine is science, after all. The will was always in him. But then he remembers all the Starfleet command officers whose information he used to memorize, study to model himself after, long before he started modeling himself on just not being Khan. He still can recite Kirk and Archer’s service records by heart.

Before he knew of his enhancements he had considered command track. And how did he actually get a hold of the information about his enhancements? was it really just by chance?

He remembers that he was searching through old files about his family, because of a class assignment. And now he wonders who gave them that assignment, which was a bit childish considering he was already 15.

Garak turns around to see Julian’s expression, pinched and nervous.

"Something on your mind, dear?" He knows. Julian has scanned the last 25 years of his life and discovered he never chose who to be.

Julian swallows tightly, voice shaking a little and rubbing his face nervously.

“I wanted to go into the command track when I was a child. I had even picked out which ships I wanted to be an ensign on and where I’d go when I eventually became captain...”

"When some nice doctor magically inspired you, or something similar, am I wrong?"

“No, no, you’re wrong. I was introduced to Dr. Tovik from Vulcan and Dr. Trianne from Betazoid when I was 9.”

"And why, exactly, you were introduced to them?"

“I had the best biology grades in my class.”

"And they just went to meet a child with good grades? I'm quite sure all your grades were the best."

“Well yes, but it was a reward and ... oh god, I’m an idiot.”

"Not an idiot. You are just like me, Julian. My life was manipulated as well. I was made into what I am without a say on it, until I felt it was right where I belonged."

“I suppose we make quite the pair.” Julian lets out a bitter laugh as he leans back on the bed. “Do you think I’d be a good first Officer?”

"Would you like to? Do you regret not following command?"

“I don’t know. I don’t think I could be a good captain.”

"They made sure you wouldn't find out."

Julian gets up in a daze and goes to the table. Garak passes him the plate and tea, and the doctor's hands shake a bit while he grabs them. Julian takes the mug and tilts his head a little.

“I suppose so. I can’t find out now.”

"You could always change careers once the war ends."

"Or I can go as far away as possible from all this farce." His voice is calm, even icy. He feels too angry to even show it.

“You want to leave Starfleet?”

Julian doesn't answer at first. He doesn’t even meet his eyes.

"This tea is quite good, Elim. Perhaps their replicators are programmed for a different red leaf strain? What do you think?"

“Quite possibly. It has a stronger flavor than the one available on Deep Space 9. It’s almost ironic, they have a better recipe.”

"It's quite a nice tea." His voice is barely audible.

“Yes, yes it is.” Garak gets up and pulls him under his arm, because he can tell Julian is on the verge of snapping.

“They raised me to be a perfect agent.”

"Thank the Prophets then, for bringing me into the mix."

“Yes, I suppose Section 31 didn’t plan for you.”

"Too bad for them."

"Do you think they took into account how easy it is for me to end up alone when they chose me?"

Garak takes a deep breath. Not even he has ever been able to banish the solitude the young man feels inside him. Not completely.

“Yes, yes. I’m sure they planned much of this around that fact, my dear. But you found people who’d prefer you not to be.”

"I almost came close to losing all of you just some hours ago." His voice is choked, and he wonders why he can’t even cry, scream, something. He feels numb.

“Yes, but you didn’t and you won’t. I’m going to take care of you.”

"Even if I try to do the same again?"

“I’ll stop you.” Garak says this with a touch of warning. If he has to kidnap Julian to save him from himself well ... he will.

"I never felt more thankful for feeling threatened. I really am a mess, Elim." He takes his face into his hands.

Garak presses a kiss to his temple, holding him.

“That’s a good sign, my dear.”

Garak doesn’t say it, but he’s relieved. He thinks they’ve already started to avoid those futures. Julian is on his way to stop being any of those men they saw.

 

Julian arrives back from a mission in Qo’noS tired and ready to focus on happier tidings, like Jadzia’s soon to be pregnancy.

They've been at it for two months now, and at first Garak was the one doing most of the talking, but Julian is starting to get better at being a double agent. He reports back discreetly to Sisko, and then to So'shiar, who still is his supervisor. They’ve met more people, but still most of their interactions are with him.

Julian feels at ease. Things are going well. He’s happy and he hasn’t done anything he feels like is, well, _wrong,_ yet. And he’s finally making choices free of Section 31’s control.

Garak trains him and helps him school his expressions. Last week they were sent to retrieve some information in a remote moon, and most of the interrogation was done by Julian, and without resorting to violence. The poor Catian didn't even realize the kind and bubbly human was feeding him alcohol to loosen his tongue.

Julian came back feeling quite proud. No one got hurt and there were no losses. He feels clever and happy and he immediately straddles Garak and kisses him.

“We’re doing it. We’re saving lives, Garak.”

"I hope we are." This time the information the Catian gave them really helped save a colony, but he's sure they'll test Julian again soon enough.

Julian sighs and collapses over him. He kisses a ridge on Garak’s neck.

“After the war do you want .. would you - I’ll leave Starfleet.”

"Will you, really? or is it just a momentary resentment at their ugliest face?"

“It’s not momentary. I was struggling with squaring Starfleet with Section 31 even before all this came out and we were recruited. Now that I know they manipulated my whole life ... I think I can do more good outside of the Federation.” He stops every few words to plant kisses, fumbling with their clothes.

"Very well, dear. Where will you go after the war, then?"

Julian stills his hands for a moment. He’s been wanting to talk about this for days but now he fears the answer. What if he gets a rejection, just when he’s finally starting to feel free to make his own choices?

“Cardassia? You want to go back there and I want to help you rebuild. I can still do research there.” There’s a plea in his voice.

"I'd be happy to show you my homeland. And I'm sure our hospitals will be needing more hands so you won't be idle."

“Even better, I’m not good when I’m idle. Maybe we could get some plants too, grow a garden. Maybe even some pets.”

"Whatever you want. I am partial to ragnars."

They get a memo sending them to another mission just some hours later. Julian is sure everything will be wonderful in their future.

And then Dukat enters the temple when Jadzia is praying.

 

Julian gets back hours later. Sisko tries to contact him, even though he knows it won’t go through. The doctor gets back just in time to save the Dax.

The captain flees to Earth, and then Julian finds himself working only for Section 31, without a Federation officer to report to.

He considers telling Miles, but Miles will never understand. So he resigns himself to it being Garak and himself alone again. None of the people who started this with him are here anymore. It’s just the two of them now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That Sloan bit comes from the play Siddig and Robinson wrote, The Nexus. There's a creepy part where Sloan is spying on Julian, so we decided to incorporate it to our story.
> 
> Comments are loved! we really like reading them, especially in long angsty stories like this one.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three months after Jadzia's death, Ezri arrives at the station, and finally Garak and Julian decide to meet her and talk about the what ifs.

As the months go by after Jadzia’s death and the captain’s disappearance, Julian throws himself both into his work as a doctor and into his training to face Section 31 with a passion that almost scares Garak.

Still, Garak trains Julian in combat until he's at his physical limit, using a holoprogram to simulate Cardassia’s heated summers and rough dry winters. He teaches him to be stealthier and to protect his brain from prying eyes, even those of a betazoid.

Julian has nightmares from the stress frequently but refuses to stop until he’s at his limits. Garak hurts for him but knows that's the right choice if they’re truly going to save his life and prevent a future where Section 31 prevails.

Julian knows he’s become more withdrawn in his exhaustion, and he sees how it hurts and worries Miles. He makes sure to still go play darts with him every week and to find a new holoprogram every so often, but he can see it’s not deceiving his friend.

Julian wishes he could explain, but he’s worried Miles would be even more protective than Garak or worse, try and stop him like he had with the Jem'hadar.

And that's not what Julian needs now, not when the captain is missing and the war at its worst point. No, Julian needs to find a way to end this war and end this situation with Section 31. For all of them.

That’s when Ezri Dax shows up with the captain.

Julian’s eyes widen when he sees both of them on the promenade. He needs to update the Captain at some point on the situation, along with the medical state of the base. But right now, those thoughts seem far away.

This girl ... this girl was Jadzia. This girl was almost his wife.

She looks at him knowingly, although her expression is a bit confused. She wrinkles her nose a little as she comes to stand in front of him, not quite meeting his gaze.

"I know I'm not her, Julian. Hope these 3 months have not been too hard on you."

“No, no you’re not. But I look forward to getting to know the new Dax too.” Julian says stiffly, trying not to think about what might have been. Julian doesn’t feel any longing though. He just feels relieved, which makes him feel guilty in a whole new way. What a delight.

As most afternoons, Julian goes to the Orb of Time, looking at it with the hope he'll see something new. He waits for nearly half an hour when Garak comes for him.  Garak finds him there with his arms crossed against his chest and face pinched.

"I don't even know why I keep coming, Elim." He doesn't turn around. The Vedeks stopped entering when he's there one month ago.

Elim kneels down next to him, pressing a kiss to his neck. Julian closes his eyes and leans into the touch, letting out a small sigh.

“Because you keep hoping for another, happier miracle.”

"I'm beginning to think being a cold cynical would be better for me." He groans as he slides up from the floor, shaking out his limbs a bit. Garak smiles at him, soft and knowing as he takes his hand.

“Trust me when I say it wouldn’t be. And it would certainly be worse for me.”

"I thought my unending federation optimism irritated you." Julian bumps into his shoulder, tapping one foot nervously. After one hour of watching the orb without result, he needs something physical, some sensation to tie him back to reality.

Garak bumps his shoulder back while carefully raising an eyebrow. He can’t help smiling a bit.

“Yes, but remember, we Cardassians like being irritated. Shall I rent us a holosuite so you can play tennis for a few hours or do you have a shift soon?”

"I'd prefer to train a bit. I'm not sure my kick is as strong as I'd like." Garak raises an eye ridge and purses his lips. Lately all Julian wants to do is train, to force himself past his limits, to forget that he’s still a human being and not just a tool meant to bring Section 31 down.

Garak smiles at him just a touch too pleasantly as he takes his arm.

"I'd rather play tennis, if you don't mind."

“All right, we can play tennis.” Julian agrees even as he narrows his gaze. He’s learned when to give into Garak’s worries, which he finds as sweet as he does irritating. He’s not made of glass.

"We can work in fortifying your arms doing that, my dear."

The vedeks shake their heads when they pass by their side. They still frown at the human and plain out despise the cardassian, but they are under orders to let them in whenever they want.

Julian doesn’t so much as glance at them, having long since accepted that they’re allowed but not exactly welcome. That isn’t a new experience for him anyway. He curls closer to Garak, kissing a ridge on the side of his jaw.

“Elim, you know I’m all right.”

"You know you are not, dear. And you shouldn't be. We are in the middle of a war after all."

Julian slumps a bit even as he stays pressed up against Garak, smiling wryly because he never can seem to win an argument with Garak.

“Of course not, and then neither should you be. I just mean - I’m not going to break.”

Garak raises an eye ridge, leaning in so his mouth is right by Julian’s ear. There’s a familiar sparkle to his gaze that means nothing but trouble, one that Julian’s always loved.

"Oh, but I plan on dragging you through the court now, dear. I think I'm getting better at tennis."

Julian laughs, the sound ringing down the halls as they head toward the holosuites. Maybe some tennis isn’t such a bad idea after all.

 

Later that night Julian sits on the couch, reading but not focusing, expression a bit pinched as he traces his fingers across the padd. It’s not as bad as some nights, the tennis having clearly helped his nerves, but he still feels a bit stuck. Garak glances over at him, frowning as he catches the expression on his face. He’d gotten to know it quite well.

“Numbers or what if’s?”

"Both, maybe? I'm trying to figure out how we can play this situation out and still keep people alive. And... I can't quite get the solution."

“How many people?” Garak asks as he comes to sit next to him, tone deceptively flippant. Still Julian watches him narrow his gaze as he takes the padd from his hands. There’s a firmness to Garak, a confidence Julian finds reassuring and that he can’t help but be a bit envious of. He thinks he used to have it as well, before all of this.

"Millions, no matter what I try. Here, see if you can find a way out."

Julian hands him dozens of and dozens of calculations, his own hands shaking a bit. He can see one way out, if he’s honest, but Garak won’t like it. Not when it ends with him sacrificing himself decades before he did in either of their visions.

“I don’t see a way out unless we ... unless _I_...”

Garak immediately puts his hand over his mouth while he looks at the numbers. Julian furrows his brow in frustration but let’s him, pressing a small kiss to the inside of Garak’s palm just to annoy him.

"I think we could manage to convince them to give us a runabout. And then this particular scenario would play better. Here, see? This way we can avoid Betazed from being bombed."

Garak pulls his hand away from his mouth with a hint of a smile. Julian frowns a bit and starts writing down numbers and recalculates. The death toll in this scenario is, at worst, a few dozen. More than Julian would like, but also not guaranteed and certainly better than millions.

“You think? I didn’t think I could be that convincing.”

“No, dear, but I can.”

"Would you?" Julian looks at him hopefully, smile a bit sheepish. He's sure most of their accomplishments are thanks to Garak’s natural charm. He alone would never had been capable.

“Of course. I have no interest in letting Betazoid being bombed.” Garak squeezes his hand as he pulls him closer. Garak glances down at the numbers again, nodding a bit before he pushes them away entirely. “There’s one problem solved, shall we leave the rest for tomorrow?”

"Yes, gladly. When was the last time I ate, Elim?" He rubs his eyes, exhaustion starting to creep in now that he no longer has millions of lives to save as immediately. Julian’s mouth feels dry and his tongue suddenly heavy, Garak’s gaze disapproving.

“Yesterday around lunch.”

"No wonder I feel so empty."

Garak stands up and walks over to the kitchen and replicates something for them, shaking his head a bit in despair. At least this isn’t so different from before, Julian having a long history of eschewing meals for work. Garak takes it to the couch, as it’s quite obvious Julian won't be able to get to the table today. Again.

Garak tuts a bit as he hands Julian his plate, giving him a sharp look as he takes in the angular lines of his frame.

“You need to start taking better care of yourself.”

"I have you for that." He winks at him and starts attacking his meal, eating with the same ridiculous speed as always. For once Garak doesn’t feel like correcting him.

Garak scoffs and pulls him a bit closer, eating his own meal at a more tempered pace.

“Then maybe I’m failing in my work. You haven’t made it to a table or a full night’s sleep in days.”

"It's easier to manage section 31 than a certain doctor, are you saying?"

“Yes, they’re not nearly as smart or as stubborn.”

“No, but you can use certain methods on me that you can’t use on them.” Julian gives Garak a flirtatious look, wiggling his eyebrows at the same he time he lets out a low yawn. Garak scoffs airily,, brushing a hand across Julian’s cheek tenderly.

"Yes, but I'm pretty sure force feeding you or giving you a Vulcan neck pinch are not the kind of things you'd like me to do." Julian snorts dismissively at that, though he's quite sure Garak could perform a neckpinch easily.

“You’ll just have to settle for the age old tactic of nagging me then.” Julian murmurs with a sigh as he takes another few bites of food, savoring the slightly sweet taste of the fruit. He leans against Garak, glancing up at him with a touch more optimism than before. “We’re getting closer though, to stopping Section 31. I know it.”

"Maybe. As long as we are getting away from our visions, I’ll take whatever result this brings."

“Good, good. I’d rather not end up the leader of an evil organization or married to... someone who isn’t you.” Julian wrinkles his nose a bit, closing his eyes and wishing he hadn’t said that. It’s true, but he feels guilty both for reminding Garak of the possibility and for the sheer relief he feels about not ending up with Ezri every time he sees her.

"That's why you've been avoiding Ezri, isn't it?"

Julian sighs and winces a little, shaking his head. Of course Garak would see through him. He hadn’t exactly been subtle.

“Yes, I suppose it is. It just feels so strange to know I was married to her in one, hell maybe two, possible futures.”

Garak shrugs a little as he pulls Julian more closely to his side. His voice is just a hair too light when he speaks again.

"I didn't see her in my future. Maybe she was what prevented you from ending in a coma."

“Only for me to end up as a war criminal. I suppose she must not have been a good influence.” Julian laughs a bit dryly, closing his eyes and curling up against Garak even more as he sets his plate aside. Julian is sure that isn’t true, that he likely deceived Ezri for years in a way he simply never could with Garak. That’s half of why Julian doesn’t want to face her, as cowardly as that is. “I know I’ll have to talk to her eventually.”

If Garak knows what Julian’s thinking he doesn’t say it, instead letting out a rough laugh.

"Are you implying I’m a better influence? Guls, how far I've fallen. Maybe we could invite her for dinner. That way I can force you to eat tomorrow as well."

“I ... all right. She likes spring wine mixed with this fizzy pink soda from Trill. I’ll get some from Quark.”

Garak raises an eye ridge at him, lips pursed as he runs a hand down his side. Julian meets his gaze, already frowning a bit when he sees the question in Garak’s eyes.

"Are you sure? Or it was Jadzia who liked that?"

Julian bites his lip. That was Jadzia, her drinks as sparkling and full of life as she was, sweet but with a surprising amount of kick. Julian has no idea what Ezri likes.

“I’ll ask Quark what she drinks.”

"Or you could ask her directly."

Julian swallows a bit and then sets his shoulders. He is a lot of things, but he’s not a coward.

“All right, let me know when you’ve invited her.”

Garak sighs a little at the sheer terror in Julian’s gaze at the idea. There's no need to put any more weight on Julian when the dinner should do that nicely.

"I'll ask her for her taste in wine and food when I invite her, my dear. You just make sure to operate the replicator."

“That I can handle.” Julian smiles a bit, because maybe this won’t be so bad. After all, he made Garak have dinner with Miles’ family and that had spawned a beautiful new friendship. Between Garak and Keiko, granted, but still.

"Tell me if you need me to take care of something else."

“No, no that should be fine. You do too much for me already.” Julian answers softly, not able to smother the guilt bubbling underneath. He’s supposed to the caretaker here, not Garak. “I just have medical work tomorrow, though if you wanted to come play nurse ...”

Garak pokes him on the cheek slightly, gaze narrowed as Julian tries and fails to look innocent.

"As long as you don't suggest that short outfit you showed me last time."

“It’s a classic look, Garak. Besides, I seem to remember you liking me in a skant.” Julian smirks a bit, gaze hooded. Yes, Garak had liked him so much in a skant that Julian was positive he’d get no work done if he ever actually wore it on duty.

"Yes, you. I'd rather not wear that, dear. My scales get cold."

“Of course. Though I could always warm them up for you.” Julian mutters in a sleepy voice as he lies more on top of Garak, head curling into the crook of his neck.

"Maybe later, I think." Garak takes Julian in his arms and carries him to the bed. Most days the human protests and says he's not a child, but tonight he seems to be too tired, or maybe too relieved, to care.

Julian curls up against Garak and gives him a lazy kiss on the cheek, before falling asleep in his arms. Garak smiles at him softly and vows to let nothing get in the way of this.

 

Ezri feels she needs to discuss with Sisko the fact that part of her - of Jadzia’s - vision already came true. She is another Dax. She also would really like to talk with Garak alone before she faces Julian, considering that she knows everything Jadzia knew and Jadzia knew some things Ezri wishes she didn’t.

Which is all quite lucky,  since Garak comes into her office mid day with a smile that’s far calmer than Ezri thinks either of them have a right to be.

“Garak! I need to talk to you before I talk to Julian, I think.”

"Of course, Dax. Have you been informed of the progress Julian and I have done in section 31 already?" Garak’s voice is friendly and steady, though there’s a sharpness to his gaze that Ezri finds comfortingly familiar and terrifying at the same time.

“Bits and pieces, though I’m not sure I have the full story. He seems more at peace than when I - when Jadzia left.”

Garak’s smile takes on a note of weary affection this time, some of the sharpness fading.

"He is less tormented, but more tired. I avoid his hands getting red most of the time."

“That’s probably for the best. He isn’t a red hands kind of guy.” Or at Jadzia hadn’t thought so, sure that the guilt would drive him mad and either to an early grave or Section 31’s arms. Ezri hasn’t really gotten around to asking if Jadzia has good judgment yet.

"I'm pretty sure he'd never forgive himself. Sometimes it is inevitable, but we try to minimize the damage. He feels uncomfortable around you, since we are at it. He's equal parts confused and guilty."

Ezri isn’t going to pretend that she hasn’t noticed Julian practically bolting from the room every time she enters, but she can’t help tilting her to the side and wrinkling her nose a little. She thought it was about Jadzia.

“Guilty? Why would he feel guilty about me?”

Garak’s smile is amused and borders on condescending, but his gaze holds a sadness to it that makes Ezri listen.

"Because you are not Jadzia. Because it's not your fault. Because he still can't bring himself to hate you. Because he's glad he avoided marrying you."

“Would it help if I told him I’m glad I avoided marrying him too?” Ezri asks with a bit of a smirk, words spilling out before she can stop herself.

It’s probably a rude thing to tell Julian’s current boyfriend, and she can almost see how she ended up dating Julian. He isn’t without his charms and she imagines there’s another timeline where they’re both confused and lonely when she arrives here.

But now that Ezri’s had a few weeks to at least start processing Jadzia’s memories and emotions from her own, she can see what a colossal mistake that would be. They’re too alike in all the wrong ways and too different in all the areas they’d need to agree. It would be a _disaster_.

Garak’s laugh, bright and ringing, pulls her from her thoughts.

"His ego would be a bit bruised, but certainly that would be a weight lifted from him."

“Good, I can at least tell him that. And that it’s not his fault Jadzia died either.” Ezri shakes her head a bit, leaning in with a questioning gaze, mouth pressed into a thin line. “Why are you here, Garak?”

"Because he wanted you to come have dinner and can't bring himself to talk to you yet. But since we’re both here, he doesn't know about the conversation I had with Jadzia when he first joined section 31. I don't plan on letting him know, ever."

Ezri raises an eyebrow for a second, because that doesn’t seem like the type of secret she should be supporting as a counselor. Then she thinks about how broken Julian looked that day to Jadzia, and how he seems now the few times she’s caught him with Garak on the promenade. Ezri nods, grimacing a little.

“No, she didn’t want you to tell him either. She said he’d think you didn’t have a choice being with him because she put you up to it.”

"Probably he'd never forgive us, instead sinking deep into 31, and thus bringing his vision to reality."

“Do you think that’s what happened in his timeline?” Ezri muses with a small frown, worried that a slip of the tongue could lead her to be married to Julian, of all people. But then she shakes her head, laughing a bit as she remembers that she’s the Jadzia in this scenario too.

“No, I guess he wouldn’t marry me in that timeline. What time for dinner?”

"2000hs, what do you say? Oh, and he wants to know what you like to drink."

“I like Trillian rum, usually mixed with plane Terran soda or Lilia juice from Trill.”

Garak raises an eye ridge, smile more genuinely amused this time. “Nothing pink and sparkling?”

"I... I'm not sure, which usually means I shouldn't try, lately."

“Maybe not. I’ll see you tonight, Counselor Dax.” Garak turns to leave, only to hear Ezri clear her throat. He tilts his head towards her, finding a surprisingly determined gaze staring back at him.

"I'd rather go as Ezri, it you don't mind. Too many people wants me to be Dax already." Her voice is firm when she speaks, gaze tired in a way that belies her youthful appearance.

“Of course. We look forward to having dinner with Ezri.” Garak assures her, smile more genuine this time. He’d much prefer getting to know Ezri than spend another night mourning and worrying over Dax.

 

Julian glances over the food he’s prepared for what must be the fifth time that evening, taking in the consistency of the soup with a furrowed brow. He swears it had a richer color in the Vulcan restaurant. Maybe he should have made it instead of replicating it. But then, who knows if Ezri even likes soup? Maybe she hates it. Julian twists around and starts toward the replicator again, only to be stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

"Dear, I don't see what's the problem. I'm sure she'll like anything you prepared."

Julian huffs a little as he twists around, so he and Garak are face to face.

“We don’t know that. She might be very picky.”

“Luckily a picky eater prepared the meal, then.”

"But she may be picky about different stuff." He sighs and considers preparing another salad just in case. Garak presses a kiss to his cheek, expression light and amused in a way Julian’s pretty sure he should find annoying rather than comforting.  

“Maybe. I suppose will find out -“ the doorbell chimes and echoes across the room. Garak steels himself internally, knowing this could go any number of ways and several of them dreadful. “Now.”

Julian blinks owlishly, looking flustered as he takes a nervous step toward their door.

“She’s early. Jadzia was never early to anything in her life.”

"She's not Jadzia, darling. And I think she'll appreciate being regarded as a different person."

The doors slide open to reveal Ezri standing there, still in uniform and with a nervous smile on her face. She looks even smaller than she is, clutching a bottle of spring wine and gaze uncertain.

“Ezri, hello! I’m sorry we haven’t been able together before now.” Julian says a bit too enthusiastically, all big hand gestures and wide grins. He sweeps her into the room, trying far too hard to look delighted for anyone’s comfort. Not that Ezri does much better, smile tight and anxious as she glances around the room as though in search of something to say.

Garak looks between them aghast.

"I was very busy as well, don't... Don't think about this." She grins too widely as well, voice a touch brittle. Julian nods a bit, expression growing sheepish. He reaches his hand out and Ezri blinks rapidly a few times before she suddenly shoved the bottle in Julian’s waiting grasp.

“I - Of course not. Let's just - thank you for the spring wine. It’s my favorite.”

"We look forward to tasting your preferred beverage, dear." Garak decides to break in, or else they'll run each other in circles all night. He can see how in another life those two may have ended up married.

“Thank you, Garak. I’m sure we’ll all try different drinks tonight.” Julian walks them over to the table, smile a little less stiff than before, though there’s still a tension in the room that even Garak finds almost unbearable.

Ezri is about ready to burst as she walks over to the table, where a glass of wine and spritzer already waits for her. Ezri sits down and glances between Julian and Garak, swallowing a little as she notices the way Julian’s hand brushes across a ridge. She needs to say _something_.

“I’m relieved I avoided marrying you too!”

Garak’s glass slips out of his hand and crashes to the floor, although his placid smile doesn't change. "We all think that, I daresay."

Ezri winces and covers her face with her hands, not sure if that was from an old self or if that was from her own awkwardness. Julian closes his throat a few times, looking anywhere but at Ezri. But when they finally make eye contact, Julian looks more relieved than anything else.

“Oh. Well, I’m glad we have that out in the open.”

Garak silently pours wine and hands out salad for each of them, still smiling carefully. Things are going better than he expected so far, but that doesn’t mean there couldn’t be a sudden turn soon.

Julian takes a rather large sip of his spring wine, closing his eyes as he tries to gather his faults. There’s a touch of wounded pride that he was discarded so easily - but no, that’s ridiculous, when he _wanted_ to he discarded. Julian gives Ezri a crooked smile.

“I wonder how we - well, I guess there’s no point in wondering.”

Ezri bites her lip and nods, some of the nervous energy from before clinging to her still. She wonders if it would be too soon to follow up with the fact that Jadzia didn’t blame Julian for her death. Probably.

"So, Ezri, I was wondering, do you like to read?" Garak asks with a bright smile as he slides her a plate, careful to keep his other hand firmly on Julian’s thigh to ground him. He’s decided to salvage the night. If either of those two opens their mouths again, Garak is sure they’ll all implode.

“Oh! Yes! I’m a big fan of historical texts actually.” Ezri’s face lights up as she speaks, some of the tension from before fading from her expression. Julian’s shoulders relax as well as he raises an eyebrow, leaning in curiously towards her.

"Oh, Trill history? I regret to admit I know nothing of it. Perhaps you could enlighten me."

“I’d love to!” Ezri looks genuinely excited as she starts giving out facts at a breakneck speed. It’s partially from nervousness, but Garak can tell there’s a genuine interest on her part. Soon the anxiety gives way to a back and forth between the three of them, Julian asking questions Ezri seems thrilled to answer.

Julian mostly feels relieved Garak managed to change subjects. Who knows what he'd say otherwise. The three of them end up discussing literature hotly instead. Garak even recites an extremely boring kardassi poem, all while giving Julian a rather smug look.

Julian rolls his eyes a little and squeezes Garak’s hand with an annoyed affection. He meets Ezri’s amused gaze and gives her a put upon look, letting out a melodramatic sigh.

“Do you see what I’ve dealt with the past six years? Poem after poem.”

"No wonder Jadzia never stuck around to talk about literature with you two." Ezri mumbles with a quick shake of her head, taking another sip of her drink. Julian stills though, expression growing blank. Ezri winces, frowning around her straw. She messed up again. She seems unable to say anything right these days.

Julian stiffens a bit and shakes his head a little. After a moment he smiles crookedly, the tension going out of his shoulders. He gives her a look that’s more apologetic than regretful.

“No, Jadzia didn’t. But I’m glad that you appreciate a good story, Ezri.”

Ezri represses the urge to apologize, to bring their regrets to the surface. Instead she smiles softly, reaching a hand across the table.

"Maybe we could read a trill short story next?"

Julian grins a bit and squeezes Garak’s hand while he reaches the other out to half shake hers. It’s awkward in a way Julian always has been and Dax hasn’t been before, and Ezri finds that she’s looking forward to getting to know their friendship all over again.

“We’d be delighted.”

“Great, I’ll bring you guys some pads soon.” Ezri promises as she lets go of Julian’s hand and starts toward the door. Garak and Julian both walk her there, the unease from before not entirely gone but certainly dissipated enough for them both to breath.

When the door closes and locks, Julian turns around to face Garak. He exhales slowly, meeting Garak’s gaze with a rueful one of his own.

"She's not Jadzia at all, Elim."

“Of course not, dear. She’s entirely her own person.” Garak smiles placidly, as he squeezes Julian’s hand one last time. Then he lets go and turns to make his way toward their bedroom. Julian follows him, sitting on the edge of the bed and tapping one foot as he watches Garak begin to undress.

"Luckily. I'm not sure I would have been able to stand it otherwise." He pats Kukalaka on the night stand as he shifts toward the middle of the bed, the last bit of tension going out of him.

“No, I didn’t think so. That was why it was important you finally talked to her.” Garak sits next to him and kisses him on the cheek, carefully undoing the first few buttons of his shirt. Julian lean in so their foreheads press together, expression growing a touch wistful.

"Do you think Jadzia would be proud of us? I know she was so concerned about her vision."

“I think she’d be very proud of both of us. We’ve already saved thousands of lies.” Garak doesn’t add including yours.

Julian shrugs off his shirt sleeves, pulling away long enough to take it off. He starts folding it, gaze growing tighter with each pass on a sleeve. Garak’s sure it’s the same question he asks himself every night.

"But what if we are actually playing right into 31 hands? How can we be sure?"

“We can never be 100% sure, but I’d like to think you have more faith in our skills than that.” Garak turns as Julian slides his pants off. He doesn’t use his formal pajamas in Garak’s rooms generally, settling for loose tank tops and boxers, vulnerable and exposed in a way Garak’s never let himself be.

"In yours." Julian mutters in a soft voice as he makes himself into a ball, arms wrapped tightly around his legs. It’s shocking, that a man who usually takes up so much space can make himself so small.

Garak sighs a little and pulls the ball toward himself. Julian glances up at him from where his head was resting between his arms, biting his lip. Garak shakes his head and leans in to press a chiding nip to the side of his ear.

“And in your mind. Together we can do this.”

"My mind is what put me in this situation in the first place. I really don't like trusting it." Julian suddenly frowns, uncurling as he gives Garak an accusatory look. Garak merely raises an eye ridge, wondering where Julian’s mind has jumped to now. "And Elim, about yesterday... would you really neck pinch me to force me to sleep?"

“If necessary, my dear. I won’t let you destroy yourself for this goal. Remember, part of why I’m involved at all is to keep you safe.”

"You could medicate me, or, you know… I’m sure you know more interesting ways of tiring someone out." Julian grins at him cheekily, long limbs stretching out across the bed. He looks over at him through his eyelashes, voice dropping a bit. "A neck pinch sounds a bit aggressive, though very effective."

It's been so long since Julian flirted that way, and Garak swallows the temptation to give him a cutting retort. Lately the human is too sad and worried for even those kinds of games.

“I could sing you to sleep I suppose. One of your maudlin human lullabies?” Garak asks in a way that manages to be affectionate, indulgent, and sarcastic all at once. Julian slides his head on his shoulder, twisting around so his legs stretch out toward the end of the bed.

"I fear you'd change all the lyrics to make it refer to the State." Julian answers back with a hint of a smirk that’s soon swallowed by a yawn. Julian slumps against him, kissing the side of his neck lazily even as his eyes start to close.

“Maybe some other night.” Garak muses as he kisses him softly, Julian mumbling a soft noise of agreement before sleep overcomes him.

Garak knows Julian will probably toss and turn and possibly even cry several times in his sleep, as he's been doing since the vision. But maybe something human is rubbing on him, because he hopes this night may be different, as one reason for feeling guilty has stopped.

He waits for a few hours, and at first just Julian is still. He starts to hope that maybe they’ll get through the night. Or at least most of it.

At around 2am, he starts hearing the now familiar sobbing. Julian never wakes up, but this time he calms when Garak shushes at him small endearments in kardassi. Julian reaches over and curls into him, expression softening as his shoulders stop shaking. This night, Garak is able to rest as well with Julian in his arms.

It’s a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love! Long chapter is long...

**Author's Note:**

> The doc is lovely and great and nearly everyone is a delight and I - StarTravel- very much recommend watching it once it’s available online/DVD, and also used it to drag Aidaran into a new fic where I worry about lizards and doctors. 
> 
> On her defense, dragging me into a new fic is kind of easy (Aidaran)
> 
> Comments are so very welcome! We really want to know what you think of our little stories.


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